About a week and a half ago I was at my church for a fundraiser that was being put on for the dance team I'm a part of. I was sitting around in a circle with a couple of my fellow dance team members and the youth pastor of my church - that was when it happened - I was told that I'm a complex person. My face probably contorted into something strange because, honestly, I was shocked. I asked what they meant. My friend Jacqui said "Well, sometimes you're just hard to read. I can't necessarily figure out what your thinking or feeling most of the time." Shocker...again! I had been told when I was a little girl that I was sensitive and always wore my emotions on my sleeve. Then Kevin, the youth pastor, joined in on the conversation (first, I must say, that Kevin and I got off to a rocky start, so I understand where he's coming from). He said "When you walk into church on Sunday mornings I'm unsure of how to tell you hello. I'm not sure if it's okay for me to say 'Hi' excitedly or calmly come up to you and tell you 'Hello'." Kevin continued on and said "When I say hi to most people I know what kind of reaction I'll receive, but with it's difficult to determine what your reaction will be."
Later that evening I had a conversation with my good friend, Gina, who lives in Michigan. I always find that I have meaningful and insightful conversations with her, so I brought up the whole situation to her. We've hung out on a number of occasions, she's a psych major, and I figured she would be a good person to ask. While we were talking I realized that she knows me really well. Maybe even better than I know myself. Or maybe she's just really good at studying and reading people. Either way...I liked and disliked what she said. Because truth was staring me dead in the face. She said "You're a deep thinker, and when someone is a deep thinker that automatically means they are a complex person." Okay...that's cool. Maybe being complex isn't so bad. "You're introverted, which makes you shy, but when you're really comfortable with the people you're with and your surroundings, your personality really shines. You're the type of person that people want to get to know." Awesome. I like that. So she continues on, "When you're uncomfortable in a situation it's obvious because you don't know what to do." So true...but..uhm...ouch? I told Gina " I think the reason why I'm like this is because of things that happened to me in my past." (Sidenote: Gina and I have similar family backgrounds.) She said "I wouldn't doubt it. People who have been hurt in the past tend to put their guard up as a mechanism to keep people out." Well, that's just awesome.
As a major side note: My Mom and Dad got divorced before I turned two. My father, in my humble opinion, has never been a good father figure. For a long time I didn't have a father figure in my life. Even though I went to my Dad's house every other weekend, I always loved my Mom more. Having a father that I had a hard time loving became a way of life for me as a child. I would latch on to my mom's ankles, cry, and say that I had a headache every time I had to go to my Dad's. My dad hurt my brothers and I emotionally in big ways when we were younger.
Today, as I sit here writing this, both my brothers and I don't have a very good relationship with our father at all. After finding out maybe two weeks ago that my Dad has a Facebook, and then finding out last night that he also has a Twitter, I found myself wrestling with even writing this blog. I'm 20, though. I'm my own person, and my Dad can't control me forever. So be it if he ends up finding my blog and stumbling upon this. There's nothing he can do about it.
Even though my own Dad hurt me immensely in the past, I can't let that define me. I have a heavenly Father who wouldn't dare try and hurt me. When I'm caught in a fire, he walks with me through it. He doesn't condemn me when I do something wrong. He forgives me and washes my slate clean.
I'm tired of my own father controlling my life and my feelings. I hate that he had such an effect on me throughout my life. I especially hate that I didn't know I still faced these problems.
I've always said that whatever someone faces in their life makes them the person they are today. I've always said that I'm grateful for the trials. I am. When I realized that I was a complex person, and that I didn't like letting people into my life out of fear of being hurt by them, it was a tough pill to swallow. But God brings people into your life - into my life - to show us things that we don't see in ourselves. It's beautifully redemptive. God shows His grace to us through the tough situations (or the hard pills to swallow), and does a redemptive work in our lives when we are willing to succumb to our own weakness. When we are willing to accept the fact that we have been terribly messed up by this place that we call home.
It's all a part of the transformation that continues to take place in our lives as believers. As sons and daughters of the most high King. It's beautiful.
It's always a great learning experience to have someone tell you about yourself. I find myself always being taken aback, and when I know it's coming, I enter the situation with great trepidation. It's scary to look at yourself so clearly. But it's necessary. As tough as it is, I honestly wish people would tell me about myself more often.
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