you get kicked when you're down...

Ever have one of those weeks when it feels as if everything that could go wrong does go wrong? Yeah...I won't lie, I just had one. 

I was wrestling with myself about this and if I should post something about it on my blog, but sometimes you just need to type things out to work through them. 

WARNING: This is a serious post. If you're not feeling serious right now, come back and read it later. 

So, as I was saying...this week was a tough one. God started revealing things to me that needed to be revealed, but somehow Satan weaseled his way in through the cracks and made me feel like a rotten person about every aspect of what was going on in my life this week. On Tuesday my mom and I had a conversation about money. This whole area of my life has been really stressful lately with going away to Minnesota. I bought my plane ticket last Friday and ever since then things have been tight. Let's be real here for a second...things are tight for everyone right now. I know I'm not the only one on the planet that doesn't have a job, and who is paying over $3.50 for gasoline. Anyways...back to that conversation with my mom. Whenever money is tight in my life I pray and thank God in advance for providing for my every need. I hold on to hope that somehow, someway, I will have enough money to pay that next bill, and God always shows up. He's never left me hanging, and always always ALWAYS sustains me. Through the conversation that I was having with my mom, she brought up some good points, even if they were tough to swallow. One of those points was my World Vision sponsorship. She told me that I couldn't afford to keep sponsoring this child if I couldn't afford to put gas in my car, or take my cat to vet. One word: Ouch. 

It was one of the hardest conversations that I've ever had of my life. This decision was one of the most heartbreaking and painful decisions I've ever had to make, and it still hurts to think about it. After that conversation I called World Vision and had to cancel my sponsorship after almost 3 years of doing it. I cried and cried. I didn't want to swallow my pride and face my mom and tell her what I did. I wanted to be right. Show her that I could do it. I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, though. 

On Friday mom my and I were having a conversation about when I get back from Minnesota and my plans. It included me getting a job. I know that I have to get a job when I come back, and I've known that for weeks now. It bothered me that my mom had to remind me when we had a conversation about this same thing the week before and three days before that. 

Today, I go to church. I come home and I'm in a great mood. Ready to put everything that happened this past week behind me. Truthfully, I really DON'T want to cry my eyes out again this week. Too late...my mom and I are sitting at the table eating lunch and she makes a comment about what I wore to church. It was a skirt with a v-neck shirt. I thought I looked cute, I got compliments on my outfit. I was totally rocking it. Until my mom told me I looked like a nun. Ouch ouch ouch. I cried...again. Now that I've had time to calm down and think it over, I totally get it. While I think she could have gone about it in a kinder way, she's right. I'm almost 21, not 40. I can afford to look cute in a classy way. I deserve it. 

But...you get kicked when you're already down. 

Satan found my weak spots this week, and just poked and prodded them all week long until I started believing some of the lies that he was putting in my head. The worst part about this whole thing was that he made me look at my mom, someone I care for so much, badly because of the things that she was saying to me. I know my mom was telling me these things out of her love for me, but satan turned it around in my head and made me feel like she was out to get me. 

Not only that, but he made me feel like I was a terrible person for stopping my World Vision sponsorship. He made me feel lazy and like I could have been doing more because I don't have a job right now. He made me feel like a failure, and like I wasn't living up to my mom's expectations of me as a daughter. He made me feel ugly, and like I wasn't worthy of feeling beautiful. 

God says otherwise. God says that He still loves me, and that I did the right thing for the time being as far as my sponsorship goes. God says that I'm doing exactly what He wants me to be doing at this time in my life, and when the time comes for me to be a working college student HE will provide. God says that I am victorious. He also says that I am everything that He wants me to be, and that I am loved by my own mother. He tells me she cares for me. God says that I am made perfect in His image, and that I am His beautiful creation. 

Most importantly, God will punish those who kick me while I'm down. In Psalm69:19-36 it says, 

"You know how I am scorned, disgraced

and shamed;

all my enemies are before you. 

Scorn has broken my heart

and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was 

none,

for comforters, but I found none.

They put gall in my food 

and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

May the table set before them become a 

snare;

may it become retribution and a trap.

May their eyes be darkened so they 

cannot see,

and their back be bent forever.

Pour out your wrath on them;

let your fierce anger overtake them.

May their place be deserted;

let there be no one to dwell in their

tents. 

For they persecute those you wound

and talk about the pain of those you

hurt.

Charge them with crime upon crime;

do not let them share in your 

salvation.

May they be blotted out of the book of 

life

and not be listed with the righteous.

I am in pain and distress;

may your salvation, O God, protect

me. 

I will praise God's name in song

and glorify him with thanksgiving.

This will please the Lord more than an

ox,

more than a bull with its horns and

hoofs.

The poor will see and be glad - 

you who seek God, may your hearts 

live!

The Lord hears the needy

and does not despise his captive 

people.

Let heaven and earth praise him,

the seas and all that move in them,

for God will save Zion

and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and 

possess it;

the children of his servants will

inherit it,

and those who love his name will 

dwell there.

Amen.