oh, my heart.

Last week when I wrote this post I didn't expect part of that to ring so true today.

"I'll be snuggling my kitty extra lots."

I'm snuggling her extra lots and not for the reasons that I want to.

I took my sweet Spookie to the vet this morning for a check up and to get her vaccinations. When the vet saw her he said that he noticed that she was breathing heavy, and wanted to check it out.

I admit, I knew that she was having difficulty breathing for a few months, but didn't have enough money to get her to the vet when I first noticed it. I just knew that I wanted to get her there before I left for the summer.

The vet told me he wanted to take an xray before he gave her the vaccinations because he needed to know what was going on in there and didn't want to do the vaccinations if it wasn't even going to be worth it. My heart sank, because I couldn't afford to fork out more cash for an xray, so I left with my heart broken. I knew that whatever was going on with her wasn't good. I cried my whole way home, and broke down once I walked through my front door. My mom and I ended up going back to the vet together to get her the xray, because we needed to know what was going on before I left. I couldn't just leave for the summer and not know whether or not Spookie was going to be okay.

My mom and I left to get some lunch while the xray was being done. The vet called me and told me that the xray wasn't good. It looks like the diaphragm ruptured and she has a bunch of fluid surrounding her lungs, which is pushing up against her lungs and making it hard for her to breathe.

I hate this. I really do. My heart is broken and I can't think about it or talk about it because I'll cry. I can say that it couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time, but really, when is a convenient time?

She's still with us now and will be until after I leave for the summer. I made the decision to have her put to sleep after I leave. This way I'll get a little bit more time with her. I don't know if it will be easier for me to deal with, but I'll have a distraction from the situation by being at camp. I hate the thought of coming home at the end of the summer and not being able to scoop her up in my arms and kiss her head a million times. And I hate the fact that my mom and step-dad have to be the one's to do this while I'm not here, but they said that they don't mind. They are sad, too.

Spookie was the best birthday present ever, and the best cat I ever had. No kitty will ever replace her, and I will forever miss her. She'll be buried under my bedroom window with beautiful roses planted on top of her.

We'll be okay. It's just hard right now...