Maybe I'm not okay...

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to all come crashing down at once? That's been my day, for sure. I hadn't been to church in two weeks because life has been crazy and i've been out of town. Usually after I go to church, I feel refreshed and new and I come away with something. Not today. Things really really just got to me a lot. Everything was getting to me so much that I couldn't even focus. It's like a war is raging inside me and I honestly have NO idea what the heck I'm supposed to do. I haven't actually sat down and read my bible and had God time in I don't even know how long. I always come up with an excuse not to do it, and I know that's not the way it should be. Which could be my problem. Losing my Grandma has certainly taken a toll on me and all of my family, and i've been trying to keep it together and I think it's time that I face it and just say I can't. She's gone in Heaven, there's nothing I can do about that. I know she's not suffering any longer and let me just say, she's amazing. Amazing for living such a good life here on earth, and then going to live eternally with Jesus Christ and her life there is going to be so much more amazing there, too. It just hurts so much to see my family struggling the way that they are without her here. Seeing my mom struggling every day to get through a daily task is so difficult. I want so much to just take the pain away from her, but I can't. Knowing that I can't talk to her on the phone anymore, or hear her voice when I walk into their house tears me apart inside.

What it really comes down to is the fact that i'm having a really hard time with this. A harder time than I thought I would. I've tried to push my feelings away for the past year and two months and it's not happening anymore. I hate showing the way i really feel and letting people know that I am hurting. I can't do that anymore. I just can't. If i've been short with you these past few weeks, or if i've become frustrated for no reason, or if i've just been quiet and don't know what to say, it's because I'm trying to figure out how to grieve. It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with you, it's just that I need my space somedays and need to be left alone. That doesn't mean I don't want you around, but I need you guys to understand that i'm just having a hard time.