Lately I'm feeling as though I have a lot in my life to sort out.
I'm very aware of the fact that God is trying to reveal some very important things to me in my life. I'm not sure of what it is yet, but I'm aware. I wake up every morning and I feel out of place. Something is not right. Things aren't clicking like they should. It's frustrating, annoying, exhausting. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel happy, and I hate that with a burning passion. I'm so frustrated with whatever...this...is that I could nearly cuss. Seriously.
I think it's safe to say that the past three and a half months have been the most challenging months of my life. They have been months of enduring some of the most difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I'm putting everything into every day and not getting much of anything back. It leaves me with the question's "What is the point?" "Why am I doing this when it's not paying off?" "Should I throw in the towel and just give up now?" Yes, I'm talking about more than half of my courses this semester. I leave class more than half the time overwhelmed because I have to cram more...stuff into my brain. I have to memorize this method, and that term. I have to be able to calculate this and measure that. Oh...and I have to remember the order of how to enter this journal entry. And what the heck is cultural relativism, anyway? Is there even a limit on how much information a person's brain can hold? If there is, my brain has far exceeded the limit.
And then there are those things in my life that happened, those words that were said so many years ago, that I realize over and over again are still so deeply rooted within me. The words that hold me back. Failure. Not worth it.
But then I look back just a couple of years ago, remembering the days when I was able to crush those lies, and move forward. Form a new identity. I was triumphant, and I proved all of the people who said, "I couldn't do it" totally and completely wrong.
Then I experience one of the most difficult things in my life that makes me question who I am, down to every fiber of my being, and I go back to believing that garbage again. The impact of two individuals words...
Why do they have to have such power?
I'm very aware of the fact that God is trying to reveal some very important things to me in my life. I'm not sure of what it is yet, but I'm aware. I wake up every morning and I feel out of place. Something is not right. Things aren't clicking like they should. It's frustrating, annoying, exhausting. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel happy, and I hate that with a burning passion. I'm so frustrated with whatever...this...is that I could nearly cuss. Seriously.
I think it's safe to say that the past three and a half months have been the most challenging months of my life. They have been months of enduring some of the most difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I'm putting everything into every day and not getting much of anything back. It leaves me with the question's "What is the point?" "Why am I doing this when it's not paying off?" "Should I throw in the towel and just give up now?" Yes, I'm talking about more than half of my courses this semester. I leave class more than half the time overwhelmed because I have to cram more...stuff into my brain. I have to memorize this method, and that term. I have to be able to calculate this and measure that. Oh...and I have to remember the order of how to enter this journal entry. And what the heck is cultural relativism, anyway? Is there even a limit on how much information a person's brain can hold? If there is, my brain has far exceeded the limit.
And then there are those things in my life that happened, those words that were said so many years ago, that I realize over and over again are still so deeply rooted within me. The words that hold me back. Failure. Not worth it.
But then I look back just a couple of years ago, remembering the days when I was able to crush those lies, and move forward. Form a new identity. I was triumphant, and I proved all of the people who said, "I couldn't do it" totally and completely wrong.
Then I experience one of the most difficult things in my life that makes me question who I am, down to every fiber of my being, and I go back to believing that garbage again. The impact of two individuals words...
Why do they have to have such power?
So maybe I've been back at square one for the past three and a half months, but maybe this is the beginning of getting to square two, three, maybe even home plate.
Oh Lord, may it be true. May none of this be wasted. This is my prayer.
Oh Lord, may it be true. May none of this be wasted. This is my prayer.
That's a good prayer you're praying, Kaitlyn. I'll pray it for you and with you, as well. You are new. You are holy and dearly loved. You are not alone. Nothing is wasted. It's all true. You know that line in "Nothing is Wasted" that says, "You can lean on me and I'll believe for you..." well, when hope is hard to hold to and when God's promises don't feel true, I'll believe for you. Thanks for sharing your heart here.
ReplyDeleteI'm catching up on things that I've missed....
ReplyDeleteA lot of the things you said here are things that I could have said anytime over the past six months. I feel you. Particularly the part about starting over. I don't know how you're feeling now, but I'm praying with you.