goals for the new year.

Resolutions are for the birds.

Seriously...who keeps those things?
I find that goals are better. I like goals a lot.
They are tangible and they give you something to reach for.

Since we're here talking about goals, I figured I'd share mine with you. Getting things out in the open makes me feel like people are keeping me accountable. Even if you don't tell me you are, I still like to think you are. Right? Right. So..let's get crackin' on these here goals for 2012.

Run: I announced on facebook that I'm looking into running a 5K, maybe more, this year. I'm a novice runner. Novice like...I run when I feel ambitious. I haven't felt ambitious since September. It's not just that I want to be in shape and use the body that God has given me to its full potential, it's that I was inspired by a good friend earlier in 2011. I saw her run her very first marathon. And finish it. It was truly inspiring, and it put inside me the desire to actually enter into some sort of organized run before I turn 80. I've had a very-rarely-ever-spoken-of goal of running a marathon for a few years now. If I don't do it now, then I WILL be 80 before I ever do it.

Plan: I want to plan another concert. I've been tossing the idea around for months now, have had a number of conversations with different people, and plans are finally taking shape. Music is my passion, and the last time I did this I was totally and completely in my element. It fueled my passion for the music business even more. Plus, I think it will be a good thing to keep my eyes set on what I'm going to school for. Why I spend hours upon hours in class and doing homework. Sometimes refocusing is good. Actually...refocusing is awesome. All the time.

Intentions: I want to be more intentional with my time. Last year I wrote a couple of posts about just that and it worked for a while, but after I came back from camp in August I forgot. Even though I still have that very same list hanging on my bulletin board. Not only do I not want to procrastinate, but I just want to waste less time. I'm so tired of being distracted by facebook and other fruitless things on the internet when I could be spending my time otherwise. Like blogging. And just pouring my energy into things that could help people. I'm way too selfish with my time, and I want to change that.

Refocus: My relationship with God was severely lacking the last half of 2011. There...I said it. I was in a funk that I'm still trying to get out of. I was being challenged in many different and difficult ways. It felt as though I was being pushed in every direction except the one that I needed to be going in. I want to refocus and get my eyes back on God and where He is leading me. If anything, I need His guidance now more than ever before. 2012 is going to be a big year of decisions and I need a lot of guidance and grace from the Lord. It's going to be a year of rigorous school work (I'll be taking classes straight through the summer on into the Fall), and deciding where I'll be transferring next Spring. I'm excited, scared, nervous. So...refocusing my eyes on God is the biggest one on this list. Once refocusing takes place, everything else will take shape.

On New Years Eve I couldn't help but feel nervous for the new year. I had this feeling of dread come over me, because I was very aware of the amount of classes I would be taking, the books I would be reading, the studying I would be doing. I'm still nervous and scared, but not as dreadful as I was 4 days ago. Maybe because I took some time to look ahead and make goals for myself and for this new year. I may have a heavy load of classes that all starts tomorrow morning at eight 'o clock in the morning, but that doesn't mean I can't do other things outside of studying. I need to bring glory to God and serve Him. I need to use my time and talents that He has given me to expand His kingdom.

So here's to goals. And a new year!

What are YOUR goals? Please share in the comments.

God works in mysterious ways.

So, I know a lot of you out there are wondering what exactly has just happened in the past 24 hours. Don't worry, me too. If anyone has been following my status updated on Facebook, you sort of know what is going on but maybe not completely. So I figured I would explain things a little bit for all of you wonderful people.

Most of you reading this already know that Downhere, Jason Gray, and Aaron Shust are out on the Called To Love tour right now. I tried getting the tour to come to my church back before I left for the summer, but the timing wasn't good for me to be planning a concert and it just didn't work out. So when I realized that the tour wasn't coming to Florida at all, I was really bummed out.

After I came home from one of the hardest/longest/craziest summers of my life, I hit the ground running and life was still not easy (when is it ever?). But I was thrown into one of the most challenging semesters ever, trying to keep my head above water, struggling every step of the way. The evidence is in the last post I wrote on here. So needless to say, I am totally and completely burned out. I haven't felt like myself for a long time. I miss that. And I need a break...a mini-vacation. Something.

So that's where this whole thing comes in...

My friend Sarah joked around with me on facebook a few weeks ago and said that I should go up to Virginia for the Called to Love tour. I said that I didn't think it would ever work out, and that it just wasn't a realistic thing to do. Then last week or something we started joking around again and she said she would throw in $30 dollars for gas money. I still knew it wasn't realistic to put all those miles on my car so I let it go. But yesterday, while I was doing my homework, I started day dreaming. What else is a girl supposed to do?

What if I REALLY did something about this joking? What did I have to lose? So I left Sarah a comment and said "Seriously considering taking donations to get my butt up to Virginia in less than a month. Any takers?" And that's where it all started. Sarah was immediately excited, so I posted it on my facebook. Just for curiosity's sake, I wanted to know who would donate money so I could buy a plane ticket. Of course, I had Sarah and her $30 dollars, and I wasn't really believing anything would happen.

After saying a little prayer, and asking my friend Tricia to pray for me, my friend Gina prayerfully put in $200. Then my friend Derk, said he would throw in a couple dollars. My friend Jen said she would donate. Within minutes I had $217 dollars in my paypal account. I had no idea what was happening, why it was happening, it was...just happening. I went to bed, woke up to nothing new, but then a family friend donated, and my friend Michael, then my friend Jen, Sharon, Deb. My step-sister Sarah even donated 10 dollars!

And just like that, I had reached my goal of $350 and had seven cents to spare.

I sit here tonight with a purchased plane ticket.

I am completely blown away by my Jesus this evening. Not only that, but I am amazed at the kindess and generosity of my friends, some of whom I have never met.

I almost wrote that I don't know why God would choose me to be the recipient of so much kindess, but I do know.

Every time I see downhere or Jason Gray, it comes at a time when I desperately need it. Concerts are like a breath of fresh air for me. I always leave feeling rejuvenated and refreshed by the message that is given. It's no secret that music holds a very special place in my heart, especially downhere and Jason Gray's music. With the stress that I've been dealing with lately, I realized long ago that I could use a break and get rejuvenated. I realize now that this is how God wants to reveal Himself to me.

I'll be the first to tell you that my relationship with God has been struggling lately. I've been hurt by people I thought I could trust, lost some of my closest friends, been dealing with the most stressful semester of my life, new issues arising in my family. I hadn't read my bible since the very beginning of the summer, and I knew that was having a big impact on my mental state. I just didn't want to do anything about it. Lame excuse, right?

Yesterday morning was the first time I opened my bible on my own to read it since the beginning of June. I realized this week while talking to my mom, while completely at the end of my rope with nothing more to give, that I needed to give everything over to God. So I did.

There were times through this little (big?) 24 hour journey where I wanted to take things into my own hands. Then he showed me that He had this in his hands all the way through.

As I reflect on the last twenty four hours I see God's hand throughout the whole thing. As I look ahead to the weekend of November 11-13th, I see the details for why God has made this a possibility. November 11th marks 5 years since I gave my life to Christ. It also marks 5 years since the first time I saw downhere. That weekend will mark 5 years since I've known my friends Monika, Cherylyn and and Sarah. It will mark the day that I get to meet Monika and Cherylyn. It also marks the 10th time I'm seeing Jason Gray.

I'd say that this is all a bit more than coincidence.
It is a miracle.

everything happens for a reason.

This past weekend I went on a ladies retreat with about 20 women from my church. I didn't really know what to expect, or what would come out of it. Sometimes I find that having no expectations at all can be the best thing that can happen. It opens your heart up to God, and can allow you to be more vulnerable, which is needed sometimes.

You see, this past week I had a pretty good week. But on Thursday I found out a girl I worked with at a summer camp in Florida died in a car accident on Wednesday. It shook me up, and I just couldn't get it off my mind. I still can't, but I know that God can use the worst of tragedies to teach us something, and I think that's already happening. My life saying is "Everything happens for a reason." It's become quite popular, and may be a bit cliche, but I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything really does happen for a reason, but it's up to us to see what we can take away from the tragedy. It's up to us to see how God will use our pain and sorrow for His glory. We can have to be willing to allow Him to work. 

I brought the pain from this tragic loss with me into the weekend, but wasn't expecting God to use it so soon. 

The theme for the weekend was "Now Is The Time". Once of the subjects that was brought up was that we need not waste any time. That we need to be on top of our game because we don't know when our time is up. This tragedy was brought to the front of my thoughts again, and it just made me realize that I really don't know when I'll be gone from this earth. I can hope I'll just die of old age, but there's a huge part of me that just doesn't believe that. Especially with all of the stuff going on in the world right now...the end is getting closer with every day that passes. I know that we don't know the day or the hour, and I'm so glad about that. If we did, I'd be walking around paranoid all the time. What I'm trying to say is that I really can't afford to waste any time. I want to be on top of my game whenever my time is up, and I don't have a minute to waste by being complacent. I can't just go through the motions. I need to walk the walk and talk the talk all the time. I know I'm human, but I'm sure going to try and be everything that God wants me to be. I don't have time to try and please people, because the only person I have to please is God. He's the one that will matter in the end, anyway.

I'm so grateful that I had this weekend to be rejuvenated and reflect on what's going on in my life right now. It was a time of great fellowship, and having God speak so personally into my life. I feel as if this was preparation for the upcoming months.

you get kicked when you're down...

Ever have one of those weeks when it feels as if everything that could go wrong does go wrong? Yeah...I won't lie, I just had one. 

I was wrestling with myself about this and if I should post something about it on my blog, but sometimes you just need to type things out to work through them. 

WARNING: This is a serious post. If you're not feeling serious right now, come back and read it later. 

So, as I was saying...this week was a tough one. God started revealing things to me that needed to be revealed, but somehow Satan weaseled his way in through the cracks and made me feel like a rotten person about every aspect of what was going on in my life this week. On Tuesday my mom and I had a conversation about money. This whole area of my life has been really stressful lately with going away to Minnesota. I bought my plane ticket last Friday and ever since then things have been tight. Let's be real here for a second...things are tight for everyone right now. I know I'm not the only one on the planet that doesn't have a job, and who is paying over $3.50 for gasoline. Anyways...back to that conversation with my mom. Whenever money is tight in my life I pray and thank God in advance for providing for my every need. I hold on to hope that somehow, someway, I will have enough money to pay that next bill, and God always shows up. He's never left me hanging, and always always ALWAYS sustains me. Through the conversation that I was having with my mom, she brought up some good points, even if they were tough to swallow. One of those points was my World Vision sponsorship. She told me that I couldn't afford to keep sponsoring this child if I couldn't afford to put gas in my car, or take my cat to vet. One word: Ouch. 

It was one of the hardest conversations that I've ever had of my life. This decision was one of the most heartbreaking and painful decisions I've ever had to make, and it still hurts to think about it. After that conversation I called World Vision and had to cancel my sponsorship after almost 3 years of doing it. I cried and cried. I didn't want to swallow my pride and face my mom and tell her what I did. I wanted to be right. Show her that I could do it. I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, though. 

On Friday mom my and I were having a conversation about when I get back from Minnesota and my plans. It included me getting a job. I know that I have to get a job when I come back, and I've known that for weeks now. It bothered me that my mom had to remind me when we had a conversation about this same thing the week before and three days before that. 

Today, I go to church. I come home and I'm in a great mood. Ready to put everything that happened this past week behind me. Truthfully, I really DON'T want to cry my eyes out again this week. Too late...my mom and I are sitting at the table eating lunch and she makes a comment about what I wore to church. It was a skirt with a v-neck shirt. I thought I looked cute, I got compliments on my outfit. I was totally rocking it. Until my mom told me I looked like a nun. Ouch ouch ouch. I cried...again. Now that I've had time to calm down and think it over, I totally get it. While I think she could have gone about it in a kinder way, she's right. I'm almost 21, not 40. I can afford to look cute in a classy way. I deserve it. 

But...you get kicked when you're already down. 

Satan found my weak spots this week, and just poked and prodded them all week long until I started believing some of the lies that he was putting in my head. The worst part about this whole thing was that he made me look at my mom, someone I care for so much, badly because of the things that she was saying to me. I know my mom was telling me these things out of her love for me, but satan turned it around in my head and made me feel like she was out to get me. 

Not only that, but he made me feel like I was a terrible person for stopping my World Vision sponsorship. He made me feel lazy and like I could have been doing more because I don't have a job right now. He made me feel like a failure, and like I wasn't living up to my mom's expectations of me as a daughter. He made me feel ugly, and like I wasn't worthy of feeling beautiful. 

God says otherwise. God says that He still loves me, and that I did the right thing for the time being as far as my sponsorship goes. God says that I'm doing exactly what He wants me to be doing at this time in my life, and when the time comes for me to be a working college student HE will provide. God says that I am victorious. He also says that I am everything that He wants me to be, and that I am loved by my own mother. He tells me she cares for me. God says that I am made perfect in His image, and that I am His beautiful creation. 

Most importantly, God will punish those who kick me while I'm down. In Psalm69:19-36 it says, 

"You know how I am scorned, disgraced

and shamed;

all my enemies are before you. 

Scorn has broken my heart

and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was 

none,

for comforters, but I found none.

They put gall in my food 

and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

May the table set before them become a 

snare;

may it become retribution and a trap.

May their eyes be darkened so they 

cannot see,

and their back be bent forever.

Pour out your wrath on them;

let your fierce anger overtake them.

May their place be deserted;

let there be no one to dwell in their

tents. 

For they persecute those you wound

and talk about the pain of those you

hurt.

Charge them with crime upon crime;

do not let them share in your 

salvation.

May they be blotted out of the book of 

life

and not be listed with the righteous.

I am in pain and distress;

may your salvation, O God, protect

me. 

I will praise God's name in song

and glorify him with thanksgiving.

This will please the Lord more than an

ox,

more than a bull with its horns and

hoofs.

The poor will see and be glad - 

you who seek God, may your hearts 

live!

The Lord hears the needy

and does not despise his captive 

people.

Let heaven and earth praise him,

the seas and all that move in them,

for God will save Zion

and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and 

possess it;

the children of his servants will

inherit it,

and those who love his name will 

dwell there.

Amen.

About a week and a half ago I was at my church for a fundraiser that was being put on for the dance team I'm a part of. I was sitting around in a circle with a couple of my fellow dance team members and the youth pastor of my church - that was when it happened - I was told that I'm a complex person. My face probably contorted into something strange because, honestly, I was shocked. I asked what they meant. My friend Jacqui said "Well, sometimes you're just hard to read. I can't necessarily figure out what your thinking or feeling most of the time." Shocker...again! I had been told when I was a little girl that I was sensitive and always wore my emotions on my sleeve. Then Kevin, the youth pastor, joined in on the conversation (first, I must say, that Kevin and I got off to a rocky start, so I understand where he's coming from). He said "When you walk into church on Sunday mornings I'm unsure of how to tell you hello. I'm not sure if it's okay for me to say 'Hi' excitedly or calmly come up to you and tell you 'Hello'." Kevin continued on and said "When I say hi to most people I know what kind of reaction I'll receive, but with it's difficult to determine what your reaction will be."

Later that evening I had a conversation with my good friend, Gina, who lives in Michigan. I always find that I have meaningful and insightful conversations with her, so I brought up the whole situation to her. We've hung out on a number of occasions, she's a psych major, and I figured she would be a good person to ask. While we were talking I realized that she knows me really well. Maybe even better than I know myself. Or maybe she's just really good at studying and reading people. Either way...I liked and disliked what she said. Because truth was staring me dead in the face. She said "You're a deep thinker, and when someone is a deep thinker that automatically means they are a complex person." Okay...that's cool. Maybe being complex isn't so bad. "You're introverted, which makes you shy, but when you're really comfortable with the people you're with and your surroundings, your personality really shines. You're the type of person that people want to get to know." Awesome. I like that. So she continues on, "When you're uncomfortable in a situation it's obvious because you don't know what to do." So true...but..uhm...ouch? I told Gina " I think the reason why I'm like this is because of things that happened to me in my past." (Sidenote: Gina and I have similar family backgrounds.) She said "I wouldn't doubt it. People who have been hurt in the past tend to put their guard up as a mechanism to keep people out." Well, that's just awesome.

As a major side note: My Mom and Dad got divorced before I turned two. My father, in my humble opinion, has never been a good father figure. For a long time I didn't have a father figure in my life. Even though I went to my Dad's house every other weekend, I always loved my Mom more. Having a father that I had a hard time loving became a way of life for me as a child. I would latch on to my mom's ankles, cry, and say that I had a headache every time I had to go to my Dad's. My dad hurt my brothers and I emotionally in big ways when we were younger.

Today, as I sit here writing this, both my brothers and I don't have a very good relationship with our father at all. After finding out maybe two weeks ago that my Dad has a Facebook, and then finding out last night that he also has a Twitter, I found myself wrestling with even writing this blog. I'm 20, though. I'm my own person, and my Dad can't control me forever. So be it if he ends up finding my blog and stumbling upon this. There's nothing he can do about it.

Even though my own Dad hurt me immensely in the past, I can't let that define me. I have a heavenly Father who wouldn't dare try and hurt me. When I'm caught in a fire, he walks with me through it. He doesn't condemn me when I do something wrong. He forgives me and washes my slate clean.

I'm tired of my own father controlling my life and my feelings. I hate that he had such an effect on me throughout my life. I especially hate that I didn't know I still faced these problems.

I've always said that whatever someone faces in their life makes them the person they are today. I've always said that I'm grateful for the trials. I am. When I realized that I was a complex person, and that I didn't like letting people into my life out of fear of being hurt by them, it was a tough pill to swallow. But God brings people into your life - into my life - to show us things that we don't see in ourselves. It's beautifully redemptive. God shows His grace to us through the tough situations (or the hard pills to swallow), and does a  redemptive work in our lives when we are willing to succumb to our own weakness. When we are willing to accept the fact that we have been terribly messed up by this place that we call home.

It's all a part of the transformation that continues to take place in our lives as believers. As sons and daughters of the most high King. It's beautiful.

yesterday i came home from a day busy day. i was gone all day long, and my thoughts seemed muddled, as they have been for a while now. after walking into my room, not necessarily wanting to be there, it occurred to me that maybe it would be a good idea to head out for a walk. so i laced up my running shoes, changed into some shorts, pulled my hair back, grabbed my phone (it plays music), let my mom know where i was headed to, and headed out. starting down my driveway, on my normal route around four blocks in my neighborhood, i started thinking. i decided that i would try and add a little bit of running into my normal walk. i've been getting healthier, losing weight, so why not? i started out feeling good. really good. running, running, running. it felt amazing. i realized after i had stopped running that i made it further than i had planned. going back to walking, i couldn't wait until i could start running again, once i could catch my breath. after my walk, i realized that i ran about half of my walk. i was proud of myself.

even though i've been in a stage of waiting. waiting to here what's next, where i'm supposed to go, feeling as if what i am doing right now in my life is pointless, like i'm wasting my time...daily i prove to myself that i'm not. i'm constantly being pushed, and whenever i feel like i can't go on any longer, or like this is all a waste of time, whatever this may be, something way bigger than me stops me in my tracks, and is always and forever showing me that i'm capable. even if i don't have the slightest clue of what is going on around me, something is being formed. plans are being made, and i know one of these days...sometime soon i will be swept off my feet. blown away by the One who has it all planned.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray  to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29: 11-12

for the past week or so i've been feeling kind of funky. not really knowing what is going on inside my head. i hate it when this happens every few months or so, because i feel like i'm helpless. like i'm stuck. i start trying to find things to do, to keep the wheels in my head from spinning. not knowing what is going on is my least favorite thing. i can't really talk to anyone about it, because i don't even know what's going on. i can't find words to describe when i go through things like this. it becomes hard for me to ask people to pray for me, because i don't know what i need prayer for. i sit and rack my brain for reasons why i'm feeling this way, and i can't figure it out.

here is what it all comes down to. my life is not actually mine. it doesn't belong to me. it belongs to my Creator. He is the one who carefully orchestrates every detail of my life. every step i take. i'm a human, and i have many human-like tendencies. i want so badly to have control over my life, but seeing people around me who do that, i know it's not the right way to go. my life is better with God by my side. the only thing i can do is cling to the One who knows what is going to happen next. trust that it is all under control, and that God is working His magic on my life and where He wants me next.

i've got a little story for you guys.
the last time i felt this way was mid-october. i was cleaning my bathroom, when i started wondering what was going on. why i was feeling this way. i was feeling stuck, like i wasn't going anywhere. felt as if i was at a stand still. so i started day dreaming, if you would like to call it that. while scrubbing my toilet, i started thinking of things i would like to have happen. thinking "man, it would be super cool if my favorite musician just contacted me right here, right now, asking me if i wanted to have him come to my church." well, what do you know? two days later i woke up to an e-mail in my inbox from none other than jason gray. wanna take a wild guess at what he was contacting me about? yeah, he wanted to know if my church would be interested in having him come play a show in a few short weeks.

what i'm trying to say is this. after that 'incident' i realized that these funks are perfectly planned out by God. that these are Him preparing me for something big. telling me that i need to trust Him through these times, because i'm going to have to trust Him even more for what he's got coming to me. it's always a scary process and it wears me out. i lose sleep, and i just can't turn my brain off. i still have no idea what this one is about. what he's preparing me, but i have a feeling i'm going to be thrown into it pretty soon. i think some light was shed on it a little bit today. but guys, please pray for me if you think about it. it's been a long week, and i've got a lot going on right now. i would appreciate it so much if you would pray that i keep my mind focused. these funks are like a battle between God and satan in my head. it may sound weird to you, but it's true. thank you so much. if you've read this far, you are golden. i appreciate every single one of you!

So, 2009 is coming to a close, and i've been anticipating this blog for sometime now. Time for reflections and looking ahead!

2009 has been a year of much trial and triumph. It's been one of the most difficult years of my life, but one of the best, also. I had to say goodbye to my Grandma after she lost her battle with cancer and my dog. I left home for the first time when I was working at camp. I came home broken and beat down because I was confused. Confused as to why God would have brought me there, and then allow what happened to happen...I wanted to throw in the towel. I wanted to give up on God, because I didn't understand. I'm glad I didn't. I've learned more about myself since then, than I ever have in my life.

2009 was a year of finding out what I was to do with my life. I got to have my favorite musician come play at my church twice. One of those concerts God used me to plan. It is something that I will remember for a long time to come. I finished high school (finally!) and started taking classes to get my GED. I've realized that i'm capable of a lot more than I ever thought. I have more confidence in myself and i'm not scared of trying new things as much as I used to. I'm more open to challenges that will be thrown my way, and conquering...even when it is difficult. God has shown me time and time again this year that I am incapable of completing anything without him. It's been a year of trusting Him with everything that I had, because that was all that I could do. I even got my license and a car. I've realized that He does everything in just the right order at just the right time. He is always faithful and I don't think i'll ever forget that again.

So here's to a new year, of new accomplishments. I'm excited to see where God leads me in 2010 and how i'm doing on the other side of it.

So, i'm not normally one to be in a mood that totally indescribable, that I just can't get off my mind. This morning I woke up after waking up from a bad dream that kept replaying all through the night. It was that my Grandma died. Again. Although, this time it was 10 x's worse then it was before. Try having a dream like that all night long, just going over and over and over again. I felt trapped. Which now leads me to my next part of this blog. As the day got started I found myself to be so melancholy that I honestly couldn't handle it. It was like I had this huge cloud hanging over my head and the sun just couldn't possibly shine through. I went on with my morning, doing the things that my mom had asked me to do. Trying desperately to figure out was was wrong with me. I was literally feeling trapped. Like I was locked inside a glass box, left to look out at the world, without a key. I called my dad, hoping that maybe, just maybe, there was some progress being made on him doing research before we look at cars for me. No dice. I then started thinking about the past few years of my life. Few months even. Since i've been out of school, finished with school. It was starting to feel discouraged and like I was left and hanging to dry. Feeling inactive, like I haven't gone anywhere with my life in the past few years. I was feeling trapped and stuck. No car. No job. No school. No where to go. Just the inside walls of this house. The walls surrounding the town that I live in. Until I went and ate lunch...I ate my lunch and sat with my mom while she ate hers. I told my mom I had been feeling stuck and trapped all day. Sometimes it is amazing how much my mom can bring things into light. More than I can ever think to. She told me "Kaitlyn, you will have a car soon, you'll be going to school soon, and hopefully you'll have a job soon." She is so right. It all happens in God's timing. Even if it feels like i'm not moving, or don't feel as if God is moving in me, He is always at work in my life. Sometimes it just takes time for His plans to fall into place. You know what, though? If it means that I am fulfilling his purpose for my life here on earth, then I will do whatever it takes. I'm thankful for a God who knows all and is carefully orchestrating every detail of my life. Who knows...maybe this was just something to wake me up!?