my dreams are coming true.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote (9 months...eek!). It's been a busy 9 months. A short synopsis: I got a job, finished my last semester at community college, got my associates degree, transferred to Southeastern University, completed my first semester, came home for the summer, went back to the same job, and I'm going...

 

Yes!

But first, let's rewind to a few months ago...

The last time I wrote, I mentioned that I had been offered an internship with Centricity Music. I spent a significant time with this offer in my hands, waiting for God to reveal when the right time was for me to accept it. There were a lot of factors that  were weighing into my decision, and it was all kind of confusing, so I just waited quietly and patiently. Once I arrived at Southeastern, I was surrounded by people who were living out the calling that God had put on their heart so passionately. I was hearing a lot of talk about internships, which led me to begin thinking more seriously about my own offer. I still had the same questions and uncertainties. What were those, you may be wondering? Well, it was all about timing for me. I knew that I needed three months of time to do a full-blown internship, but I knew three months wasn't feasible for me this summer. I also didn't want to do this too early, have the possibility of a job being offered to me, and then have to turn the opportunity down because I had to come back to school. So, I was still stuck, but I was feeling God stirring something up. 

In March, while I was on spring break, I had to do an assignment for one of my classes where I had to interview an individual in a management position in media. I decided to go to a radio station in Orlando since I knew quite a few of the people who work there. While I was doing my interview, I asked the individual who I was interviewing for some advice on the subject. He suggested that I contact the label, see if it would be a possibility for me to spend two weeks with them during the summer, and then go back later for a full internship. It seemed like a genius idea. I left with my head swirling and couldn't wait to get back home and finally put some action to this opportunity that I'd had dangling in front of my face for so many months. After e-mails were sent back and forth, I had a phone interview in April that went really well. I received an e-mail a week later informing me that they would love to have me come for two weeks this summer to work on a couple of projects surrounding the release of Aaron Shust's new album release in July!

Fast forward to right now...

I will be in Nashville in two-and-a-half weeks. It's bizarre, it freaks me out, and I'm out of my mind excited for the opportunity that is waiting for me. From the beginning, I've been saying that if all of this is God will He will make all of the pieces fall into place. So far, I have all of the evidence to prove that God's mighty hand is in this. He set me up with the opportunity to talk to Steve from the label in September, He provided the right advice in March, He gave me the confidence in April during my interview, He provided me with a job this summer to save for my trip and for my return back to school in August. 

I stepped into all of this blindly, taking a leap of faith. It's quite possibly the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken. While conversing back and forth with my mom about this opportunity, before I ever sent an e-mail, my mom asked me "Where will you stay?" "How will you get there?" I told her, "If this is God plan, He'll work it all out. What will be will be." I've seen God work and move in this situation, and I've heard Him telling me consistently to trust Him and to not worry. I've never been so calm and at peace with a situation this big in my life. I still don't have a confirmed place to stay, or confirmed transportation back and forth to work each day while I'm there, but the Lord has worked everything else out, so I have to have faith and trust that He will work this minor detail out, too. 

I'm truly watching my dreams come to life right before my very eyes. I can't wait to see what God does...

If you'd like to follow my adventures, you can follow me on Instagram.

lately.

 Beach trip with my mom.

 Being goofy with Gina.

 Learning how to play guitar.

 Fourth of July.



This is coming soon!

__________________________________________________________________________________

There's been a lot of stuff happening lately. A lot to keep me busy. A lot to bring a smile to my face. And certainly a lot to remind me of how blessed I really am.

01. Last monday my Mom and I were dragging our feet around the house, wiping away the sleep from our eyes, when she said, "Want to go to the beach?" Honestly, how could I resist? My schedule was almost completely cleared, so we did just that. We packed a light and healthy lunch, slathered some sunscreen on and hit the beach. It was a gorgeous day. Low tide, quiet, the water was the perfect temperature. Plus, I got to spend it with my mom. She's the best!

02. This past weekend my Floridian born-Michigan living friend Gina was in "town". I say "town" because she lives about an hour south of me, but in "town" is better than in Michigan. I drove down on Friday afternoon, and stayed until Saturday evening. We got caught up on each others lives, played games together, became frustrated from said games, spent time with friends, hit the flea market, sweat until we couldn't sweat anymore, grabbed ice cream, when to the Chik-fil-a, learned some guitar. We had a great time together. It always a great time when I get to hang with Gina and her family.

03. Like I said, Gina taught me how to play a little bit of guitar. It's something I've wanted to learn how to do for a while, but haven't had a guitar to do so. I recently aquired a guitar, so what better time than now to learn?

04. Last week was the 4th! How exciting! I spent most of my day doing homework, but was able to get out for some fun in the afternoon and evening. My church was doing a picnic, so I got to eat some yummy food, and hang out with my good church people. Then I met up with some friends from my young adult bible study group and we went to the city fireworks. My friend Felicia knows some of the city cops, so we were able to get the hook-up and had ourselves some really great seats. We could literally see where the professionals were setting the fireworks off from in the road. It was incredible. And loud. And smoky. And we got rained on by firework debris, but it was still amazing, all the same. Afterward, I went to IHOP with my friends Kelsey and Felicia to keep the party going. It was awkward and weird. And I got really bad heartburn because I ate a bunch of food that I shouldn't have, but other than that, it was a fine night out.

05. The Jason Gray concert that I've been planning is a month and a half away! Crazy! Things have really picked up over the past couple weeks with that, and I am getting pumped. It will be here before I know it. As much work as this whole concert planning gig is, I'll be very sad to see it end. Plus, the planning is part of the fun, right?

Also, I'm taking an oceanography class right now, and last week I got a B on my first test!

The Lord has been blessing me left and right. Not only has he been blessing me, but He's been blessing those around me as well. It's so encouraging to see the hand of God in every little detail. Wow! I'm just blown away. 

community.

Earlier today... I was tired, cranky, didn't want to do anything, would rather have stayed in bed, needed an attitude adjustment, wanted a vacation.

I had a meeting that I needed to go to at church, which I was totally okay with, and later in the day I was supposed to meet with a friend to grab coffee and "exchange cookies for hugs". The time in between was unknown. I came home and my mom wanted me to help her clean a little bit. No problem there, except my mood totally went down hill. I was tired, didn't want to go anywhere, didn't want to do anything. I needed to trade my tired and unhappy heart in for a merry one.

Later today... I met my friend at Starbucks. The point of this was so she could deliver cookies she so sweetly and kindly decided to bless me with, and I could exchange her cookies for a big hug. You see, on Thursday I found out that I will be tested on seven chapters of American history this coming Thursday. One week to read and study seven chapters. I was overwhelmed and posted something about my panic on Facebook Thursday. My sweet friend Lindsy kindly left me a comment and said she would bake me whatever type of cookie I wanted, because baked goods are every studying girls best friend. My request? Ooey gooey chocolate chip cookies. They are fantastic (I'm eating two right now). 

We ended up getting coffee, sitting at a tiny table in a small Starbucks, just talking. Sharing life and laughter with one another. By the time we looked at the clock, three hours had passed in the blink of an eye. There wasn't a dull moment, and the conversation was life giving, soul lifting, and just generally good for my weary heart.

As were were talking, we talked about prayer, and how it can be hard to pray sometimes. I feel silly when I pray most of the time, especially if God already knows what the outcome will be. It's hard for me to pray for something and hope that my praying will turn the situation around if that's not God's plan. But...I know that through my praying, my relationship with the Lord is becoming stronger. I'm working at the relationship, but God is also working in my heart through the conversations I am having with Him. I tell Him the desires of my heart, he takes those desires, molds them into what He wants for me, hands them back and the desires of my heart become the desires of His heart.

The Lord knows what we need, when we need it. Today, the Lord knew I needed to be rejuvenated. He knew that I needed to be in community with a friend. And He knew I needed some chocolate chip cookies...

"Wherever two or more are gathered, there I am with them."

Matthew 18:20

lent.

Ash Wednesday..the beginning of 40 days of fasting. The beginning of sacrificing something to offer up to God. Or at least that's what I'm gathering.

I've never taken part in lent before. I normally find out that we're half-way through the lenten season and think of something I would give up, but never put my thought  into action. I decided this year that I wanted to do something about it, though. 

So, what am I giving up for six weeks? Purchases from restaurants. That includes drinks, too. Why? I don't have a job right now, and shouldn't be spending that extra money when I have food and water at home. I find that I take advantage of what is already at my fingertips entirely too often. I need to change that. So, packed lunches and water bottles it is!

I actually don't know much about lent, and don't have many resources. I know some of my friends out there have observed lent on a number of occasions. If you have any resources to help me, along with some good bible verses to guide me, please leave them in the comments. 

I'm excited to let you all know how this experience changes me. Until then... :-)

hope and love.

When I woke up this morning I forgot it was Valentines Day until I got to school. That's how it normally happens. It's just like any other day, right? It is if you don't have a significant other.

I tend to not care, and I'm rarely ever bothered on Valentines Day that I don't have someone to share the day with. The same was true with today. At least it was true until after lunch time.

I got into this slump and I was just annoyed by the day. I was so annoyed, in fact, that I packed all of my stuff up and left the college earlier than I had planned. I usually end up staying on Tuesday's and Thursday until later in the afternoon doing homework. Not today, apparently. When I left, I decided that I just needed a break. I've been working really hard the past couple of weeks, and I needed to turn my brain off for an afternoon.

So I came home and no one was here. Since no one was home I decided to do a little bit of straightening up. You know, the things that my mom expects me to have done that normally wait until the minute before I go to bed? Yeah, those. I found that I was enjoying myself. It was great to lay myself, and my wants aside to do something nice for my mom who works so hard everyday around here for us.

I may not have a significant other, but I have other people around me who pour into my life each day, and I the same. Every Valentines Day I find myself looking around at the people who I'm surrounded by and just find myself feeling so grateful for them and their love for me.

Not only that, but it's comforting to know that I have the perfect example of what love should look like. The man who laid down His life for His friends. The One who already has the day, hour, minute and second planned for when I meet my future spouse. I'm hopeful and filled with love on this Valentines Day. I pray the same for each of you!

I PASSED!
Grades were posted this morning, and I passed the 'evil semester' as my wonderful friend, Jen, named it for me. It's sort of fitting if you think about about. Math is pretty evil, and I ended up taking Accounting, Macroeconomics and Algebra all in one semester. So, evil semester was born. And now I can put it to rest.

Accounting: B
Macroeconomics: B.
Algebra: C.
Ethics: To be determined, but most likely a B.

When my eyes fell on the grades, I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat. I was definitely expecting C's and D's and maybe one B. I'm so grateful, though. For how hard I worked this semester, I would have taken whatever I was given to just get the whole thing over with. I was mostly worried because I didn't want to completely wreck my GPA this semester, because I want to be able to transfer to a good university after I'm done with my associates degree. Thankfully, I didn't completely ruin my GPA, and I have next semester to really work hard again and get it up. Plus, I'm taking a couple of classes that I'm really excited about. So hopefully I can get a couple of A's out of the semester and bring it up a bit more.

Thanks to everyone who prayed, and encouraged me throughout the whole semester. I'm so grateful for you. Your warm thoughts, words, and prayers helped carry me through one of the most stressful semesters of my college career. Thank you, thank you.

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me"-Philippians 4:13

God works in mysterious ways.

So, I know a lot of you out there are wondering what exactly has just happened in the past 24 hours. Don't worry, me too. If anyone has been following my status updated on Facebook, you sort of know what is going on but maybe not completely. So I figured I would explain things a little bit for all of you wonderful people.

Most of you reading this already know that Downhere, Jason Gray, and Aaron Shust are out on the Called To Love tour right now. I tried getting the tour to come to my church back before I left for the summer, but the timing wasn't good for me to be planning a concert and it just didn't work out. So when I realized that the tour wasn't coming to Florida at all, I was really bummed out.

After I came home from one of the hardest/longest/craziest summers of my life, I hit the ground running and life was still not easy (when is it ever?). But I was thrown into one of the most challenging semesters ever, trying to keep my head above water, struggling every step of the way. The evidence is in the last post I wrote on here. So needless to say, I am totally and completely burned out. I haven't felt like myself for a long time. I miss that. And I need a break...a mini-vacation. Something.

So that's where this whole thing comes in...

My friend Sarah joked around with me on facebook a few weeks ago and said that I should go up to Virginia for the Called to Love tour. I said that I didn't think it would ever work out, and that it just wasn't a realistic thing to do. Then last week or something we started joking around again and she said she would throw in $30 dollars for gas money. I still knew it wasn't realistic to put all those miles on my car so I let it go. But yesterday, while I was doing my homework, I started day dreaming. What else is a girl supposed to do?

What if I REALLY did something about this joking? What did I have to lose? So I left Sarah a comment and said "Seriously considering taking donations to get my butt up to Virginia in less than a month. Any takers?" And that's where it all started. Sarah was immediately excited, so I posted it on my facebook. Just for curiosity's sake, I wanted to know who would donate money so I could buy a plane ticket. Of course, I had Sarah and her $30 dollars, and I wasn't really believing anything would happen.

After saying a little prayer, and asking my friend Tricia to pray for me, my friend Gina prayerfully put in $200. Then my friend Derk, said he would throw in a couple dollars. My friend Jen said she would donate. Within minutes I had $217 dollars in my paypal account. I had no idea what was happening, why it was happening, it was...just happening. I went to bed, woke up to nothing new, but then a family friend donated, and my friend Michael, then my friend Jen, Sharon, Deb. My step-sister Sarah even donated 10 dollars!

And just like that, I had reached my goal of $350 and had seven cents to spare.

I sit here tonight with a purchased plane ticket.

I am completely blown away by my Jesus this evening. Not only that, but I am amazed at the kindess and generosity of my friends, some of whom I have never met.

I almost wrote that I don't know why God would choose me to be the recipient of so much kindess, but I do know.

Every time I see downhere or Jason Gray, it comes at a time when I desperately need it. Concerts are like a breath of fresh air for me. I always leave feeling rejuvenated and refreshed by the message that is given. It's no secret that music holds a very special place in my heart, especially downhere and Jason Gray's music. With the stress that I've been dealing with lately, I realized long ago that I could use a break and get rejuvenated. I realize now that this is how God wants to reveal Himself to me.

I'll be the first to tell you that my relationship with God has been struggling lately. I've been hurt by people I thought I could trust, lost some of my closest friends, been dealing with the most stressful semester of my life, new issues arising in my family. I hadn't read my bible since the very beginning of the summer, and I knew that was having a big impact on my mental state. I just didn't want to do anything about it. Lame excuse, right?

Yesterday morning was the first time I opened my bible on my own to read it since the beginning of June. I realized this week while talking to my mom, while completely at the end of my rope with nothing more to give, that I needed to give everything over to God. So I did.

There were times through this little (big?) 24 hour journey where I wanted to take things into my own hands. Then he showed me that He had this in his hands all the way through.

As I reflect on the last twenty four hours I see God's hand throughout the whole thing. As I look ahead to the weekend of November 11-13th, I see the details for why God has made this a possibility. November 11th marks 5 years since I gave my life to Christ. It also marks 5 years since the first time I saw downhere. That weekend will mark 5 years since I've known my friends Monika, Cherylyn and and Sarah. It will mark the day that I get to meet Monika and Cherylyn. It also marks the 10th time I'm seeing Jason Gray.

I'd say that this is all a bit more than coincidence.
It is a miracle.

everything happens for a reason.

This past weekend I went on a ladies retreat with about 20 women from my church. I didn't really know what to expect, or what would come out of it. Sometimes I find that having no expectations at all can be the best thing that can happen. It opens your heart up to God, and can allow you to be more vulnerable, which is needed sometimes.

You see, this past week I had a pretty good week. But on Thursday I found out a girl I worked with at a summer camp in Florida died in a car accident on Wednesday. It shook me up, and I just couldn't get it off my mind. I still can't, but I know that God can use the worst of tragedies to teach us something, and I think that's already happening. My life saying is "Everything happens for a reason." It's become quite popular, and may be a bit cliche, but I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything really does happen for a reason, but it's up to us to see what we can take away from the tragedy. It's up to us to see how God will use our pain and sorrow for His glory. We can have to be willing to allow Him to work. 

I brought the pain from this tragic loss with me into the weekend, but wasn't expecting God to use it so soon. 

The theme for the weekend was "Now Is The Time". Once of the subjects that was brought up was that we need not waste any time. That we need to be on top of our game because we don't know when our time is up. This tragedy was brought to the front of my thoughts again, and it just made me realize that I really don't know when I'll be gone from this earth. I can hope I'll just die of old age, but there's a huge part of me that just doesn't believe that. Especially with all of the stuff going on in the world right now...the end is getting closer with every day that passes. I know that we don't know the day or the hour, and I'm so glad about that. If we did, I'd be walking around paranoid all the time. What I'm trying to say is that I really can't afford to waste any time. I want to be on top of my game whenever my time is up, and I don't have a minute to waste by being complacent. I can't just go through the motions. I need to walk the walk and talk the talk all the time. I know I'm human, but I'm sure going to try and be everything that God wants me to be. I don't have time to try and please people, because the only person I have to please is God. He's the one that will matter in the end, anyway.

I'm so grateful that I had this weekend to be rejuvenated and reflect on what's going on in my life right now. It was a time of great fellowship, and having God speak so personally into my life. I feel as if this was preparation for the upcoming months.

you get kicked when you're down...

Ever have one of those weeks when it feels as if everything that could go wrong does go wrong? Yeah...I won't lie, I just had one. 

I was wrestling with myself about this and if I should post something about it on my blog, but sometimes you just need to type things out to work through them. 

WARNING: This is a serious post. If you're not feeling serious right now, come back and read it later. 

So, as I was saying...this week was a tough one. God started revealing things to me that needed to be revealed, but somehow Satan weaseled his way in through the cracks and made me feel like a rotten person about every aspect of what was going on in my life this week. On Tuesday my mom and I had a conversation about money. This whole area of my life has been really stressful lately with going away to Minnesota. I bought my plane ticket last Friday and ever since then things have been tight. Let's be real here for a second...things are tight for everyone right now. I know I'm not the only one on the planet that doesn't have a job, and who is paying over $3.50 for gasoline. Anyways...back to that conversation with my mom. Whenever money is tight in my life I pray and thank God in advance for providing for my every need. I hold on to hope that somehow, someway, I will have enough money to pay that next bill, and God always shows up. He's never left me hanging, and always always ALWAYS sustains me. Through the conversation that I was having with my mom, she brought up some good points, even if they were tough to swallow. One of those points was my World Vision sponsorship. She told me that I couldn't afford to keep sponsoring this child if I couldn't afford to put gas in my car, or take my cat to vet. One word: Ouch. 

It was one of the hardest conversations that I've ever had of my life. This decision was one of the most heartbreaking and painful decisions I've ever had to make, and it still hurts to think about it. After that conversation I called World Vision and had to cancel my sponsorship after almost 3 years of doing it. I cried and cried. I didn't want to swallow my pride and face my mom and tell her what I did. I wanted to be right. Show her that I could do it. I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, though. 

On Friday mom my and I were having a conversation about when I get back from Minnesota and my plans. It included me getting a job. I know that I have to get a job when I come back, and I've known that for weeks now. It bothered me that my mom had to remind me when we had a conversation about this same thing the week before and three days before that. 

Today, I go to church. I come home and I'm in a great mood. Ready to put everything that happened this past week behind me. Truthfully, I really DON'T want to cry my eyes out again this week. Too late...my mom and I are sitting at the table eating lunch and she makes a comment about what I wore to church. It was a skirt with a v-neck shirt. I thought I looked cute, I got compliments on my outfit. I was totally rocking it. Until my mom told me I looked like a nun. Ouch ouch ouch. I cried...again. Now that I've had time to calm down and think it over, I totally get it. While I think she could have gone about it in a kinder way, she's right. I'm almost 21, not 40. I can afford to look cute in a classy way. I deserve it. 

But...you get kicked when you're already down. 

Satan found my weak spots this week, and just poked and prodded them all week long until I started believing some of the lies that he was putting in my head. The worst part about this whole thing was that he made me look at my mom, someone I care for so much, badly because of the things that she was saying to me. I know my mom was telling me these things out of her love for me, but satan turned it around in my head and made me feel like she was out to get me. 

Not only that, but he made me feel like I was a terrible person for stopping my World Vision sponsorship. He made me feel lazy and like I could have been doing more because I don't have a job right now. He made me feel like a failure, and like I wasn't living up to my mom's expectations of me as a daughter. He made me feel ugly, and like I wasn't worthy of feeling beautiful. 

God says otherwise. God says that He still loves me, and that I did the right thing for the time being as far as my sponsorship goes. God says that I'm doing exactly what He wants me to be doing at this time in my life, and when the time comes for me to be a working college student HE will provide. God says that I am victorious. He also says that I am everything that He wants me to be, and that I am loved by my own mother. He tells me she cares for me. God says that I am made perfect in His image, and that I am His beautiful creation. 

Most importantly, God will punish those who kick me while I'm down. In Psalm69:19-36 it says, 

"You know how I am scorned, disgraced

and shamed;

all my enemies are before you. 

Scorn has broken my heart

and has left me helpless;

I looked for sympathy, but there was 

none,

for comforters, but I found none.

They put gall in my food 

and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

May the table set before them become a 

snare;

may it become retribution and a trap.

May their eyes be darkened so they 

cannot see,

and their back be bent forever.

Pour out your wrath on them;

let your fierce anger overtake them.

May their place be deserted;

let there be no one to dwell in their

tents. 

For they persecute those you wound

and talk about the pain of those you

hurt.

Charge them with crime upon crime;

do not let them share in your 

salvation.

May they be blotted out of the book of 

life

and not be listed with the righteous.

I am in pain and distress;

may your salvation, O God, protect

me. 

I will praise God's name in song

and glorify him with thanksgiving.

This will please the Lord more than an

ox,

more than a bull with its horns and

hoofs.

The poor will see and be glad - 

you who seek God, may your hearts 

live!

The Lord hears the needy

and does not despise his captive 

people.

Let heaven and earth praise him,

the seas and all that move in them,

for God will save Zion

and rebuild the cities of Judah.

Then people will settle there and 

possess it;

the children of his servants will

inherit it,

and those who love his name will 

dwell there.

Amen.

About a week and a half ago I was at my church for a fundraiser that was being put on for the dance team I'm a part of. I was sitting around in a circle with a couple of my fellow dance team members and the youth pastor of my church - that was when it happened - I was told that I'm a complex person. My face probably contorted into something strange because, honestly, I was shocked. I asked what they meant. My friend Jacqui said "Well, sometimes you're just hard to read. I can't necessarily figure out what your thinking or feeling most of the time." Shocker...again! I had been told when I was a little girl that I was sensitive and always wore my emotions on my sleeve. Then Kevin, the youth pastor, joined in on the conversation (first, I must say, that Kevin and I got off to a rocky start, so I understand where he's coming from). He said "When you walk into church on Sunday mornings I'm unsure of how to tell you hello. I'm not sure if it's okay for me to say 'Hi' excitedly or calmly come up to you and tell you 'Hello'." Kevin continued on and said "When I say hi to most people I know what kind of reaction I'll receive, but with it's difficult to determine what your reaction will be."

Later that evening I had a conversation with my good friend, Gina, who lives in Michigan. I always find that I have meaningful and insightful conversations with her, so I brought up the whole situation to her. We've hung out on a number of occasions, she's a psych major, and I figured she would be a good person to ask. While we were talking I realized that she knows me really well. Maybe even better than I know myself. Or maybe she's just really good at studying and reading people. Either way...I liked and disliked what she said. Because truth was staring me dead in the face. She said "You're a deep thinker, and when someone is a deep thinker that automatically means they are a complex person." Okay...that's cool. Maybe being complex isn't so bad. "You're introverted, which makes you shy, but when you're really comfortable with the people you're with and your surroundings, your personality really shines. You're the type of person that people want to get to know." Awesome. I like that. So she continues on, "When you're uncomfortable in a situation it's obvious because you don't know what to do." So true...but..uhm...ouch? I told Gina " I think the reason why I'm like this is because of things that happened to me in my past." (Sidenote: Gina and I have similar family backgrounds.) She said "I wouldn't doubt it. People who have been hurt in the past tend to put their guard up as a mechanism to keep people out." Well, that's just awesome.

As a major side note: My Mom and Dad got divorced before I turned two. My father, in my humble opinion, has never been a good father figure. For a long time I didn't have a father figure in my life. Even though I went to my Dad's house every other weekend, I always loved my Mom more. Having a father that I had a hard time loving became a way of life for me as a child. I would latch on to my mom's ankles, cry, and say that I had a headache every time I had to go to my Dad's. My dad hurt my brothers and I emotionally in big ways when we were younger.

Today, as I sit here writing this, both my brothers and I don't have a very good relationship with our father at all. After finding out maybe two weeks ago that my Dad has a Facebook, and then finding out last night that he also has a Twitter, I found myself wrestling with even writing this blog. I'm 20, though. I'm my own person, and my Dad can't control me forever. So be it if he ends up finding my blog and stumbling upon this. There's nothing he can do about it.

Even though my own Dad hurt me immensely in the past, I can't let that define me. I have a heavenly Father who wouldn't dare try and hurt me. When I'm caught in a fire, he walks with me through it. He doesn't condemn me when I do something wrong. He forgives me and washes my slate clean.

I'm tired of my own father controlling my life and my feelings. I hate that he had such an effect on me throughout my life. I especially hate that I didn't know I still faced these problems.

I've always said that whatever someone faces in their life makes them the person they are today. I've always said that I'm grateful for the trials. I am. When I realized that I was a complex person, and that I didn't like letting people into my life out of fear of being hurt by them, it was a tough pill to swallow. But God brings people into your life - into my life - to show us things that we don't see in ourselves. It's beautifully redemptive. God shows His grace to us through the tough situations (or the hard pills to swallow), and does a  redemptive work in our lives when we are willing to succumb to our own weakness. When we are willing to accept the fact that we have been terribly messed up by this place that we call home.

It's all a part of the transformation that continues to take place in our lives as believers. As sons and daughters of the most high King. It's beautiful.

As I was walking my dog this afternoon I started thinking, which tends to be what I normally do when I'm walking the dog, or cleaning the bathroom. Don't ask me why it's just those to things, but but those are normally the times when I reflect on my life up to this point.

I was thinking about the past year or so of my life, and the things that I've accomplished. This time last year, I was getting ready to test so I would be able to take classes to get my GED. I documented part of my GED journey last fall. You can catch up on it here. In the beginning I saw it as a death sentence. It was the last thing on Earth that I really wanted to do with my time. I knew I had to muddle my way through my classes, hours of math, and the many headaches that were collected along the way. It was the only way I could carry on into the next stage of my life. Through doing so I learned a lot about myself. I went from looking at it as the worst possible thing that could have happened to me, to looking at it as a blessing. I learned that I could believe in myself, that I could be proud of myself and my accomplishments, and that I could actually finish something.

That brings me to my next point. When I was in 11th grade, I became a home school student. School was crazy for me, and the only option I had left was to take all of my classes online. I had absolutely no motivation to get through it, and didn't really care about my classes at all. I knew my teachers would give me a second, third, and fourth chance to turn my work in, even after it was weeks late. This resulted in me finishing my last high school class in February of 2009. My GPA dropped significantly because of my lack of effort, and then I procrastinated on getting things squared away with my GED (I didn't get a high school diploma with the program I took my classes through). At some point in the mess that was my last two year of high school I quit colorguard. I don't know why. I just did. I had quit everything that I was ever good at. Ballet, swing dancing, colorguard, my last summer job. The little voice in my head kept telling me that I could never finish anything. That I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't smart enough. Well, little did I know, that all changed when I set foot in that classroom last October.

In early March I got a phone call from a camp that I had applied at, informing me that I got the job, and that I was to report to them on June 6th. At this point in time I was still had not received my high school diploma, but I was close to crossing the finish line. In late April I took my test, but wasn't expected to get my results for another 8-10 weeks. By the time I got them I was already in Minnesota, at camp, and knee deep in all of its campiness (I know that's not a word, but whatever!). I passed. I finally had a high school diploma...two years late. Better late than never, right? Right. As I went through my Minnesota summer I was skeptical. After my experience the summer before, I just wanted it to be better, and I wanted to finish it out. Two and a half months came and went and I finished that, too.

I sit here today, almost a year after I started taking classes for my GED, confident. Confident in my abilities to succeed, believing in myself and what I'm capable of, and ready to take on the next four years of my life. I'm 7 weeks into my first semester of college, and sometimes I still hear that little voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough to do this, but then I remind myself of why I'm going to college in the first place. The end result will be worth the hours that I spend locked up in my room doing homework or studying. Knowing what I know today about myself, and my accomplishments, I have enough belief in myself to know that I can get through this just fine. I wouldn't be where I am today had I not walked through those doors last October. Thanks be to God who walked by my side, and replaced the negative voice in my head with his still small voice. Thanks be to God.

After having a wonderful and relaxing weekend, I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation to want to be atleast a little excited about heading back to school tomorrow. This weekend really filled my heart up and rejuvenated me in amazing ways.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go out into our community with Aftershock, the dance team I'm a part of from my church, and we performed for the Operation Christmas Child kick-off for the Treasure Coast. For those you who know me really well know how big of a roll dancing has played in my life. It was amazing to get to dance a few different sets yesterday for a good cause, but most importantly, in the name of Jesus. A lot of people came out and joined us - we even got to teach some kids a short little routine and had them perform it. It was wonderful!

Last night I chatted with my friend Emily for three hours on skype. Our chattering got the best of us, and before we knew it it was 11:00. It was so amazing to hear about what amazing things God is doing in her life, showing her, and how she is blessing people. My friends are so special to me, and I'm grateful that I was able to be filled up by them this weekend.

Today I went to church, came home, cleaned, and relaxed a bit more. I got to spend a little bit of time with my family, and a lot of time by myself. Tonight I'm sitting here writing this blog with my windows open, and a nice breeze blowing through my blinds. This weekend was really just what I needed to re-energize and get ready to face another crazy week of college. I'm so grateful for it.

Let it be known...

...that I have the best friends ever...

Jason, Mindy, Jaclyn, Lori, Gina, and all of the other downhomies that weren't able to contribute to this - thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Your kind words mean more to me than you could possibly know. I'm so grateful for the family that I have found in all of you through the One who is higher than us all. I will read your notes often while I am gone, remembering that I have people all over the nation praying for me. Thank you for seeing me for who I really am in Christ when I have a hard time seeing it myself. I love all of you so much. 

Jesus, thank you for giving me this opportunity. Thank you for leading me on the pathway to Minnesota for the summer. Thank you for seeing me as worthy to minister, once again, at a summer camp. My biggest prayer is that you use me however you want while I'm there. Let me not stray from what you are calling me to. Thank you for proving time and time again that you've got me and my life in the palm of your hand. Thank you for showing me that your plans are greater then mine, and that I need to trust you and what you are doing. Thank you for always coming through for me even when I fail you. Lord, thank you so much. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

while casually walking out of my class today, walking down the outdoor corridors, passing people waiting for their classes to start, my thought process goes a little something like this:
"Wow. I wouldn't dress like that. That guy looks like a bum."
 then i thought "Why am I judging these people? What gives me that right?"

ten seconds later...
"Doesn't that girl know how unattractive smoking is? Seriously."

then i got to my car. as i was unlocking it, my brain started going. everyone has a story, a past. inside these people there is a heart...a soul. something that longs to be loved. as far as i'm concerned, i can't do a whole lot of loving if whatever is in my head looks like what is typed out above. the cause of many internal issues in people are things that have been said or done. things that have happened to people that have them bound up by chains, that have made them a slave to these things.

what would those people have done if they had heard my thoughts? probably turned around and slugged me. i wanted to slug me.

i know how bad words can hurt. that is the main reason why i have as many internal issues as i have today. hurtful things have been said, and things have welled up inside of me. insecurity allows mean thoughts and words to be said. i'd like to sit here and say that tomorrow it will be better, that i won't have the temptation to think or say cruel things, but i'd be telling a big lie. i'd also like to say that all these people need is Jesus, but i'd also partially be lying. yes, people need Jesus, but they won't find Him on the ground, and scoop Him up in their pockets. at the root of many issues what people need is love. to be shown love. to be shown that they are worth something. that they are cared for. maybe this needs to be shown to us through Jesus. by Jesus changing our hearts, molding us, and re-making us. my own prayer is that God will steadily change my heart, and i'm up for the challenge.

are you?

yesterday i wrote a blog. a blog that was hopeful. a blog that clearly laid out that i was putting all of my trust in God, because that was all i could do...having no idea what was going on, or what the future held for me.

today i'm writing another blog. this one contains my plans for the future, because God let me know yesterday. as of five o'clock p.m. yesterday i found out what i had been waiting two months to hear. after spending hours upon hours of researching summer camps out of state, not even knowing if it was what i was supposed to do, but doing it anyway because i didn't want to miss out on it if God wanted me in summer camp ministry again, i got a call back from green lake lutheran ministries in spicer, mn. i'm hired.

it hasn't quite sunk in yet, but i'm pretty sure i jumped about five feet in the air yesterday after i got off the phone. there was a whole lot of squealing, jumping, and blabbering of a bunch of mindless jibberish to my mom. needless to say, i'm so excited. when do i leave? well, i would like to leave right now, but i really have to be there before june 6th. the last day of camp is on august 14th. ten weeks. it's going to be ten weeks of a whole lot of awesome.

...and i can only thank Jesus over and over again for His faithfulness.

yesterday i came home from a day busy day. i was gone all day long, and my thoughts seemed muddled, as they have been for a while now. after walking into my room, not necessarily wanting to be there, it occurred to me that maybe it would be a good idea to head out for a walk. so i laced up my running shoes, changed into some shorts, pulled my hair back, grabbed my phone (it plays music), let my mom know where i was headed to, and headed out. starting down my driveway, on my normal route around four blocks in my neighborhood, i started thinking. i decided that i would try and add a little bit of running into my normal walk. i've been getting healthier, losing weight, so why not? i started out feeling good. really good. running, running, running. it felt amazing. i realized after i had stopped running that i made it further than i had planned. going back to walking, i couldn't wait until i could start running again, once i could catch my breath. after my walk, i realized that i ran about half of my walk. i was proud of myself.

even though i've been in a stage of waiting. waiting to here what's next, where i'm supposed to go, feeling as if what i am doing right now in my life is pointless, like i'm wasting my time...daily i prove to myself that i'm not. i'm constantly being pushed, and whenever i feel like i can't go on any longer, or like this is all a waste of time, whatever this may be, something way bigger than me stops me in my tracks, and is always and forever showing me that i'm capable. even if i don't have the slightest clue of what is going on around me, something is being formed. plans are being made, and i know one of these days...sometime soon i will be swept off my feet. blown away by the One who has it all planned.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray  to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29: 11-12

for the past week or so i've been feeling kind of funky. not really knowing what is going on inside my head. i hate it when this happens every few months or so, because i feel like i'm helpless. like i'm stuck. i start trying to find things to do, to keep the wheels in my head from spinning. not knowing what is going on is my least favorite thing. i can't really talk to anyone about it, because i don't even know what's going on. i can't find words to describe when i go through things like this. it becomes hard for me to ask people to pray for me, because i don't know what i need prayer for. i sit and rack my brain for reasons why i'm feeling this way, and i can't figure it out.

here is what it all comes down to. my life is not actually mine. it doesn't belong to me. it belongs to my Creator. He is the one who carefully orchestrates every detail of my life. every step i take. i'm a human, and i have many human-like tendencies. i want so badly to have control over my life, but seeing people around me who do that, i know it's not the right way to go. my life is better with God by my side. the only thing i can do is cling to the One who knows what is going to happen next. trust that it is all under control, and that God is working His magic on my life and where He wants me next.

i've got a little story for you guys.
the last time i felt this way was mid-october. i was cleaning my bathroom, when i started wondering what was going on. why i was feeling this way. i was feeling stuck, like i wasn't going anywhere. felt as if i was at a stand still. so i started day dreaming, if you would like to call it that. while scrubbing my toilet, i started thinking of things i would like to have happen. thinking "man, it would be super cool if my favorite musician just contacted me right here, right now, asking me if i wanted to have him come to my church." well, what do you know? two days later i woke up to an e-mail in my inbox from none other than jason gray. wanna take a wild guess at what he was contacting me about? yeah, he wanted to know if my church would be interested in having him come play a show in a few short weeks.

what i'm trying to say is this. after that 'incident' i realized that these funks are perfectly planned out by God. that these are Him preparing me for something big. telling me that i need to trust Him through these times, because i'm going to have to trust Him even more for what he's got coming to me. it's always a scary process and it wears me out. i lose sleep, and i just can't turn my brain off. i still have no idea what this one is about. what he's preparing me, but i have a feeling i'm going to be thrown into it pretty soon. i think some light was shed on it a little bit today. but guys, please pray for me if you think about it. it's been a long week, and i've got a lot going on right now. i would appreciate it so much if you would pray that i keep my mind focused. these funks are like a battle between God and satan in my head. it may sound weird to you, but it's true. thank you so much. if you've read this far, you are golden. i appreciate every single one of you!