community.

Earlier today... I was tired, cranky, didn't want to do anything, would rather have stayed in bed, needed an attitude adjustment, wanted a vacation.

I had a meeting that I needed to go to at church, which I was totally okay with, and later in the day I was supposed to meet with a friend to grab coffee and "exchange cookies for hugs". The time in between was unknown. I came home and my mom wanted me to help her clean a little bit. No problem there, except my mood totally went down hill. I was tired, didn't want to go anywhere, didn't want to do anything. I needed to trade my tired and unhappy heart in for a merry one.

Later today... I met my friend at Starbucks. The point of this was so she could deliver cookies she so sweetly and kindly decided to bless me with, and I could exchange her cookies for a big hug. You see, on Thursday I found out that I will be tested on seven chapters of American history this coming Thursday. One week to read and study seven chapters. I was overwhelmed and posted something about my panic on Facebook Thursday. My sweet friend Lindsy kindly left me a comment and said she would bake me whatever type of cookie I wanted, because baked goods are every studying girls best friend. My request? Ooey gooey chocolate chip cookies. They are fantastic (I'm eating two right now). 

We ended up getting coffee, sitting at a tiny table in a small Starbucks, just talking. Sharing life and laughter with one another. By the time we looked at the clock, three hours had passed in the blink of an eye. There wasn't a dull moment, and the conversation was life giving, soul lifting, and just generally good for my weary heart.

As were were talking, we talked about prayer, and how it can be hard to pray sometimes. I feel silly when I pray most of the time, especially if God already knows what the outcome will be. It's hard for me to pray for something and hope that my praying will turn the situation around if that's not God's plan. But...I know that through my praying, my relationship with the Lord is becoming stronger. I'm working at the relationship, but God is also working in my heart through the conversations I am having with Him. I tell Him the desires of my heart, he takes those desires, molds them into what He wants for me, hands them back and the desires of my heart become the desires of His heart.

The Lord knows what we need, when we need it. Today, the Lord knew I needed to be rejuvenated. He knew that I needed to be in community with a friend. And He knew I needed some chocolate chip cookies...

"Wherever two or more are gathered, there I am with them."

Matthew 18:20

hello!

Is anyone out there?

It's been a while. Like, three months a while. Will you forgive me?

Life has been busy and exciting, and blogging fell onto the back burner. I'm excited to be back again, and to get you caught up on the things that have been going on. So..let's get down to business.

01. Made it through my fourth semester of college. Fourth (Finished with two A's and 2 C's)!
02. Had a birthday. Hello, 22!

03. A couple road trips were taken.

04. Beach trips have happened. 

05. Time has been spent with family. 

06. Summer classes are underway (Done with my first one next Thursday).

07. A concert is being planned.
08. I'm a nanny now!

09. Let's toss some house sitting into the picture.

10. Ice cream has been consumed. 

11. Camp has been missed.

12. Letters are waiting to be written. 

13. Today was the last day of public school. No more early wake-ups!

14. It is hot and humid. Summer has arrived. 

15. A visit from my brother. Yay!

There you have it. I tiny glimpse into life over the past three or so months.

I'm so excited to be back here and to be writing and sharing with you all again. My heart feels lighter already.

Lots of love and thankfulness, 

Kaitlyn

a day in the life of a college student.

I'm borrowing this idea from Nessa. I saw her day in pictures and I just had to give it a go.
So, here's my day (today) in photos.

6:30-7:30: Drag myself out of bed, stumble into the kitchen, eat breakfast, jump in the shower, get ready for the day.
 

7:30: Hop in the car and drive to school.

8:00: Marketing class. I would have taken a photo, but it's a live TV class (the class is broadcast across all the various campuses, and I didn't want to be awkward taking a photo).

9:15: Homework time in the lab.

11:00: College Algebra class.

12:30: Lunch at the Starbs (I don't eat here all the time. I had a gift card.).

1:30: More math homework in the lab.
 

3:00: Driving home. Almost done for the day.

3:30: Walking the pup.

5:00: On a run! Whoop!
6:30: Dinner time. We ate grilled chicken and salad, but my camera went all wonky, and I couldn't get a photo.

8:00: In my pajamas, sitting on my couch, writing this blog post.

The times and everything obviously vary, and I'm definitely not in my pajamas by 8:00 every night, but today just went really well on the homework front.

I really enjoyed doing this, though!

nothing is wasted.

Lately I'm feeling as though I have a lot in my life to sort out.

I'm very aware of the fact that God is trying to reveal some very important things to me in my life. I'm not sure of what it is yet, but I'm aware. I wake up every morning and I feel out of place. Something is not right. Things aren't clicking like they should. It's frustrating, annoying, exhausting. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel happy, and I hate that with a burning passion. I'm so frustrated with whatever...this...is that I could nearly cuss. Seriously.

I think it's safe to say that the past three and a half months have been the most challenging months of my life. They have been months of enduring some of the most difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I'm putting everything into every day and not getting much of anything back. It leaves me with the question's "What is the point?" "Why am I doing this when it's not paying off?" "Should I throw in the towel and just give up now?" Yes, I'm talking about more than half of my courses this semester. I leave class more than half the time overwhelmed because I have to cram more...stuff into my brain. I have to memorize this method, and that term. I have to be able to calculate this and measure that. Oh...and I have to remember the order of how to enter this journal entry. And what the heck is cultural relativism, anyway? Is there even a limit on how much information a person's brain can hold? If there is, my brain has far exceeded the limit.

And then there are those things in my life that happened, those words that were said so many years ago, that I realize over and over again are still so deeply rooted within me. The words that hold me back. Failure. Not worth it.

But then I look back just a couple of years ago, remembering the days when I was able to crush those lies, and move forward. Form a new identity. I was triumphant, and I proved all of the people who said, "I couldn't do it" totally and completely wrong.

Then I experience one of the most difficult things in my life that makes me question who I am, down to every fiber of my being, and I go back to believing that garbage again. The impact of two individuals words...

Why do they have to have such power?
 

So maybe I've been back at square one for the past three and a half months, but maybe this is the beginning of getting to square two, three, maybe even home plate.

Oh Lord, may it be true. May none of this be wasted. This is my prayer.

Blogging has obviously taken a back seat over the past couple of weeks, and I'm afraid it will have to continue to be that way because this semester is the most ridiculous thing ever. When one signs up to take Intermediate Algebra, Accounting, Macroeconomics and Ethics all in the same semester, they are pretty much begging to not have a life outside of classes and homework.

So yeah...this semester is crazy, busy and extremely overwhelming at times. I lay in bed at night and still feel like I haven't gotten anything done after I've worked on homework all day long. I stay up until 11:00 most nights just because that's the only time I have to relax. I tell myself every evening that I'll be in bed before 11. Then I look at the clock and it's 11:00...then 11:30. Then I close my computer, turn the lights out and finally try and get some rest.

Most days I find that I look just as tired as I feel, and just as frazzled and fried out of my mind as I really am. I pledge to never ever put myself through a semester like this ever again. I'll die before I do it again.

I'm stressed out, I need a laugh, and really...I just want a nice and long vacation.

After how stressful my summer was, to how stressful this semester is, I find myself caught up in my head all the time and it's so overwhelming.

On top of the fact that I thought I could be superwoman this semester, I also have to really start thinking about where I want to transfer to finish my bachelors degree. It's been suggested that one starts applying a year before they are ready to transfer. I know where I want to end up, which is far away from where I am now.

The costs, the student loans...it all makes me want to cower in a corner.

But...I know that even in all of this chaos and uncertainty in my life, God does have a plan. And I'll get over these scary mountains. I'll be able to look back on these challenging times and see where God was at work.

And I know that He is. I see His hand in my life daily, in the little details. Thank goodness for the little details. If those didn't matter, I'd be in pretty bad shape.

I leave you with a video.

how i'm feeling.

I've been trying to remember I felt around this time last year.
One week before I left home.
I can't remember, though.

I guess I thought leaving home for a few months a second time would be easier, but honestly, I might be just as scared as I was the first time. When I found out that I was going back I thought the whole thing would be a piece of cake. Wrong! I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the past month or so. Reminding myself of the extreme exhaustion that takes place at camp, the frustration, the thing that aren't so glamorous about the job, so it doesn't come as a shock to me when I get there. I remember how much effort it took to walk up those stairs at the end of the summer. I remember the muscles that hurt in places I didn't even know I had muscles! I remember the bruises that I was covered in from head to toe. The campers that test you in every way imaginable. I remember the things that are less glamorous.

But I also remember the more glamorous side of the job, too.
(Yeah, right...camp is glamorous? ;-)

The lives that you can see being changed right before your eyes. The laughter that you share with your fellow counselors. Experiencing a campers first time away from home with them. Receiving letters from home, and knowing that people are caring about and thinking of you. Watching your cabin become one for a week, and watching your campers look out for each other. When a camper gets 'it'. The excitement on the campers faces when they arrive at camp on Sunday. The excitement on your face when they leave on Friday. (Not to be confused with unglamorousness.) Weekends of rest, laughter and adventure. Getting to live life in such a beautiful place. The starry nights. The sound of the lake as you walk across camp. The quietness of it all in the morning. The sunset over the lake every night and how it's like a canvas.

I suppose I have more to look forward to than to fear, and I know it's where I'm supposed to be, but it's always nice to be reminded that you can't get too comfortable. You can't take things for granted, and you should never rely on yourself.

I know this summer won't be the same as last. It will be its own in its own unique way. Because of that, I know that I will learn new things from the trials and triumphs I go through, the people I meet, and the things I experience. I'm so grateful that I get to embark on this good adventure one last time, but I'm also grateful that I have one more week left at home. I will cherish and treasure every second of my time here, and I will get around to packing. Eventually...

I want to write and write, and I wish I had all the time in the world to do so.

I've been house sitting this week, and have three more sleeps left until I can finally be reunited with my own bed for 8 or 9 more nights before we are separated for longer than I would like. I'm grateful that I was thought of for the house sitting job. I just miss my house and my bed. With so little time left here, I feel as though I want to stay for as long as I can.

I didn't expect to feel this way once it got so close to time for me to leave for camp. I expected to feel completely ready to leave, but I don't. I feel a little homesick and I haven't even left yet. I'm hoping that the feeling changes once I am done house sitting, and that I definitely don't carry it with me to Minnesota. I don't remember feeling this way last year. I remember feeling ready, maybe a little bit scared, but not longing to be home as much as I am now. 

 

I feel as though time is not my friend right now. I have too much to do and don't know where to start. I want to hang out with friends, but have so many other things to do that trying to find the perfect day to do so is proving to be extremely difficult. 

I just need to let go of everything and let things pan out however they are supposed to. Here goes nothing...

whoa!

Whew! There is so much going on! Once again, I'm so sorry about the blogging break. It was unintentional, but life just got so crazy!

I just finished the spring semester yesterday, and couldn't be more grateful that it's over. Finals were actually pretty spectacular, and went way more smoothly than I had expected. I'm not sure of any of my grades yet and won't until Tuesday, but I am just so thrilled that it's over and will be grateful with whatever the outcome is. This semester was intense, so I'm ecstatic to have a break of some sort for a few weeks. 

My mom, step-dad and I made plans to head up to Northern Florida this coming Thursday to Sunday to camp and spend time with each other before I leave, but some plans have changed and we're leaving this Sunday to drive up to Jacksonville for a few days. My step-dad has a training that he has to attend, so we're staying in a hotel and my mom and I are going to explore Jacksonville and spend some good time together, just the two of us. Then on Thursday we'll head to Gainesville for some doctor's appointments for my mom and then we'll have our camping trip. It's kind of crazy, but I'm sure it will be an enjoyable time. I'm pretty much just tagging along, but we'll have fun. I know it. :-)

I'm leaving for Minnesota in 25 days, which I'm realizing more and more that the time is just speeding up, and I'll really be out of here sooner than I can say "I'm going to Minnesota!". Yesterday when I finished my last class I want wondering how I would be able to fill up the time before I left, and trying to make plans to hang out with friends. Now with finding out that I'll be out of town for a whole week out of the three and a half that are left before I leave, I just hope I have enough to declutter my room before the big fly out day.

In no way am I complaining. I'm grateful to be able to get out of town for a little while, and to spending time with my family. I love them dearly, and can't wait to explore Jacksonville with my momma! 

Well, there's a quick life update (sort of). Hopefully I'll be able to find time to sit down and write again a few more times in the next three weeks...

2010 in photos.

Jason Gray. 1/22/10

Chris and Conrad at the local fair. 2/28/10

Me In Motion. April 2010.

Sanctus Real. April 2010.

My first girls night out with Michelle, Heather, Jacqui, and Ambrosia. May 2010.

My right of passage. June 2010.

My best friend, Annie, from camp. 8/13/10

All of the girl counselors on our last night together. 8/13/10

Meeting Sarah for the first time on a day trip to Disney World. 8/16/10

Jason Gray. 9/17/10

Double rainbow after a tropical storm that rolled through. September 2010.

I got to meet my twitter-turned-real-life friend, Jen in September. We got together again in November. 9/17/10 and 11/7/10

Andrew Peterson. 11/7/10

Christmas with my brother home. 12/25/10

Hanging out with my downhomie friend Gina. 12/27/10-12/28/10

My best friend had her first child on Christmas day. She's the most darling little girl. 12/29/10

I feel like writing a blog, so I suppose that is what I'll do.

The new semester started a week ago. I like all of my classes, and all of the professors who teach them. It was a bummer to show up to my favorite class (I think) yesterday, to find out that all art classes were canceled. Fingers crossed for class to be in session tomorrow.

My English teacher is the bomb. She's funny, and she makes it worth it to show up to an 8 a.m. class. Speaking of English, I was so worried when I saw the huge literature book that I had to read for this semester, but this stuff is actually really good. Seriously, I'm sort of excited to go and take my reading quiz tomorrow.

There are over 70 students in my American History class. It's really intimidating. That's all.

And I have the same instructor for Math that I had last semester. She knows what she's talking about, and I'm hoping for another good grade in her class this semester.

It's chilly here. I'm thankful it's not as frigid as it is across the rest of the country. Did you know that 49 of the 50 states have snow on the ground right now? Can you guess which one doesn't? Hint: I live in it. ;-)

Pertaining to the cold weather, my mom made potato and leek soup for dinner tonight. It was the best to get home from my class, plop my books on my bed, and scurry into the kitchen and ingest some of the best soup I've ever had the pleasure of eating. My mom also made pumpkin/cranberry/walnut/oat bread. That was pretty amazing, too.

Tell me, how have you all been spending the past couple of days in the snow/cold/chill?

Happy winter vacation!

Since my first semester of college has come to a close, I really don't know what to do with myself. I have many different things that I want to do, but in order for me to do them I need to make a list. So, what better way then to post it for all of my blog readers to see so I can be kept accountable? Here we go...

1. Give my room a good, deep cleaning before Christmas, and keep it that way.
2. Clean out my closet.
3. Sell last semesters books, and order my new ones well before spring semester starts.
4. Spend some good time with my family.
5. Read a couple of books.
6. Import all of my CD's onto my new computer that I bought back in September.
7. Hang out with my friends, and create fantastic memories.
8. One on one time with my step-sister.
9. Read my bible every day. Although I am pretty good about this, I know myself, and I tend to think I can do it all on my own when I 'think' I'm not doing anything.
10. Get rested up. I've been going and going since May. This is the longest amount of time in months that I haven't had something specific to do. May as well take advantage of it!
11. Help my mom bake (I've already started).
12. Maybe see a movie in the theater.
13. Catch a Christmas flick on TV with my family.
14. Apply for a job.
15. Blog more.
16. Mostly, I just want to enjoy this time with my family and friends. It is, after all, the most wonderful time of the year!

After having a wonderful and relaxing weekend, I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation to want to be atleast a little excited about heading back to school tomorrow. This weekend really filled my heart up and rejuvenated me in amazing ways.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go out into our community with Aftershock, the dance team I'm a part of from my church, and we performed for the Operation Christmas Child kick-off for the Treasure Coast. For those you who know me really well know how big of a roll dancing has played in my life. It was amazing to get to dance a few different sets yesterday for a good cause, but most importantly, in the name of Jesus. A lot of people came out and joined us - we even got to teach some kids a short little routine and had them perform it. It was wonderful!

Last night I chatted with my friend Emily for three hours on skype. Our chattering got the best of us, and before we knew it it was 11:00. It was so amazing to hear about what amazing things God is doing in her life, showing her, and how she is blessing people. My friends are so special to me, and I'm grateful that I was able to be filled up by them this weekend.

Today I went to church, came home, cleaned, and relaxed a bit more. I got to spend a little bit of time with my family, and a lot of time by myself. Tonight I'm sitting here writing this blog with my windows open, and a nice breeze blowing through my blinds. This weekend was really just what I needed to re-energize and get ready to face another crazy week of college. I'm so grateful for it.

The rest of the summer...

I said at the end of last week that I would update this past weekend on the rest of my summer, but time slipped away from me as I was spending time with my step-siblings. It had been three months since I last saw them. Life took over my blog, and I'm totally okay with that. :-) I've thought and thought about how I'm going to do this and the best way seems like the way I did it while I was still at camp Update week-by-week. Here we go...

Week 4: Day Camp in Clearwater, MN. Rejoice Lutheran Church.
Day camp is our program where we go into another town. We're assigned to a church and we spend 5 hours a day with the kids. Do bible study, worship, arts and crafts, and play games. Lots of games. This week was one of my favorite weeks. I was with Kris and Eric, and honestly can't imagine being on a better team. We all meshed really well, which was surprising. I don't, or have I ever, spent a lot of time with guys. I just don't have a lot of guy friends. So I was forced (for lack of a better term, because I didn't feel like I was forced) to spend a whole week with these guys. It was weird at first, I won't lie. By day two we learned how each other operated. We had a lot of laughs, and generally just got to know each other better. The kids were really awesome, too. A lot of them were really young. Pre-school to Kindergarten age. We had a couple who were older, but they were all really well behaved. We had about 20 kids. After we were done with day camp we were able to go back to our host home, relax for a couple hours, and plan for the next day. Our host family was great, too. We all got our own room (I would have had my own, anyway), and they provided breakfast for us every morning, which was awesome. I could go on and on about the great things that happened this particular week, but I'll have to stop here for now.

Week 5: Andy's Gang. 5th and 6th graders.
This week was really awesome, too. I had 8 girls in my cabin, and they were really great. This particular week I was in one of the cabins furthest away from everything. We had to use a bathroom that could have been growing a tree right in the middle of it. We had to walk up a bunch of stairs, over a couple hills, and through the woods to get to our cabin. We had to make that trek more times then I liked to throughout the day. I wanted to complain about it so bad, but my campers weren't. They were just so awesome that way. Once one did, I said "It's okay. Go ahead. I've been complaining inside my head every time I have to walked up these blasted stairs. Let's have a complaining session right now, and then figure out a way to minimize our trips up and down here for the rest of the week." They took it and ran. I thanked them so much for the their willingness to cooperate that week. We shared a lot of laughs, and created some lasting memories. I was weary of this week, too. It was my first week coming back to counseling after my nightmare that was week two. I just didn't want a repeat. I'm grateful it wasn't. This was my biggest growing week, too. My style of counseling changed, through my learning. Choosing your battles was the biggest thing I learned this week and for the rest of the summer. It helped me a lot, and allowed me to have a lot more fun. This was also the week of adding injury on top of injury. By the end of the week I was covered in bruises, scrapes, cuts, and a lot of incredible memories. On Friday after the campers left, I looked down at my legs and cringed. I looked like I was beaten up. I wore long pants the rest of the day, did my hair, and put on make-up. I just needed to feel like a girl for a little while.

Week 6: Half blast (4th and 5th graders) and maintenance.
Half blast is designed for campers who aren't quite ready for a full week of camp. They come on Sunday and leave on Tuesday. This week was a challenge for me because I didn't have a very good attitude about it. It's such a short time, and you just don't get to know your campers at all. They leave right around the time that you would normally start building those bonds with your campers.I also had a lot of other things going on that week that were a distraction (hate saying that). While I was on maintenance after my campers left we pulled a lot of weeds down by the beach, and painted the storm shelter. It looked so cool! I had a lot of great hang out time with my fellow counselors at night, too.

Week 7: Andy's Gang. 5th and 6th graders.
I worked all the weekend before this doing a family camp, so I was exhausted. I didn't have a break at all. Working from 7:30 AM to 11:00 PM ...I was drained. I was not in the mood to deal with 9 kids for another hole week. It had been my second week with no break on the weekend at all. I was bitter at the beginning, but ended up having a great week in the end. I had a few homesick campers, one who slept walked right out of the cabin into another one. That was quite possibly the scariest thing I've ever experienced. It was emotionally and physically draining like any other week, but I got over my pity party and told myself "This is these girls only week here. Quit your complaining and do this for them. Once I did I had a lot of fun. It was a good last week of counseling.

Week 8: Day Camp in Hutchinson, MN. Faith/Christ the King Lutheran Church.
I was on a day camp with Annie and Eli. Annie was my best friend at camp, and Eli was one of the first people I met. He picked me up from the airport with one of my APD's. We had a great week, overall...atleast after we were done with the kids for the day. We had 39 kids. We should have had another person with us. The kids were all high energy. For everyone it was as if there were two. Awesome. We made some great memories, though. We had some great adventures. It was a good last week in MN, even if it was stressful during the day. It was so good to get to spend my last week at camp with Annie, too. We shared so many this summer, and I'm so glad I had her to confide in. It was definitely a special thing to spend my last days in Minnesota with her. My heart is aching right now just writing about this.

I may write about the time in between if I'm feeling ambitious. Pictures will come, too. :-)

Just figured I would stop in and write up a little blog while I've got a few minutes before we start preparing for the kids to come at 2 P.M.

We finished staff training on Thursday afternoon. It was a very mentally, emotionally, and physically draining  week and a half. It was awesome getting to meet and bond with my fellow staff members, though. We shared lots of side splitting laughing attacks, and have created memories that I will cherish forever.

I've learned a lot about Minnesota and the people here. I ate my first tater tot hot dish. Jumped in the frigid lake for the first time and my toes turned blue. Experienced some of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen in my life. Been drawn closer and closer to God each day that I'm here. Did my first vow of silence in my life. It was beautiful. Accidentally stuck my gardening glove in goose poop while doing a service project. Got hit in the face with a frisbee and got a fat lip. Slipped and fell on a puddle of water in the dining hall and bruised my tail bone. And I've gotten more bruises all over my body then I care to count.

A lot has happened within the past couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to what else will happen during the remaining 8 weeks that I'm here. Here goes nothin'. Can't wait to meet my cabin full of girls!

A few things I have been enjoying for the past month before I leave:

1. Swimming in the pool and beaching it up with my mom.
2. Thursday lunch with my Grandma (and the extra cookies and peppermint York patties after lunch).
3. Relaxing and reading multiple books. I've read 4 books and am working on the 5th in the past three or so weeks.
4. The anticipation leading up to my departure.
5. The fact that my suitcase was packed two weeks before I leave.

Dislikes (not many):

1. The fact that my suitcase was packed two weeks before I leave (It's been sitting in the middle of my room since).
2. The tornado that has ripped through my room through my busyness, and the fact that my suitcase is still sitting in the middle of my room (This is apparently a huge factor in the messiness of my room).
3. The goodbyes that I'm still dreading, but the good news is that I'll be back before we all know it. :-)

Oh, Friday. You have proven to be quite uneventful. The way most Fridays are. Which brings me straight into the weekend. Which brings me into feeling restless. Which...shall I go on?

I've been lounging around my house all day now, trying to think of something productive to do, but I can't find anything. Can't think of anything. Or maybe I just gave up. Maybe I'll just take advantage of this weekend, not having anyone else in my house except for me...and my brother on occasion. Doing things at my own leisurely pace. Vacuuming when I want to vacuum, putting the dishes away when I want to put them away, baking cookies when I want. Peanut Butter Cookies. Flourless peanut butter cookies. That are delicious.

You know, before I know it, I'll be waking up at 2:00 A.M. to start packing my suitcases into my van, driving two hours north to Orlando, sitting at an airport for two more hours, and having an airplane take me thousands of miles up in the air, thousands of miles away from home and all I'm familiar with, and dropping me in Minnesota for 2 1/2 months. Looks like two is the lucky number. My favorite number. Maybe I should just soak up this time, not worrying about being somewhere or doing something big and extravagant just for the heck of it. Maybe the next month and a few days will be as low key as it can be, I'll be able to take it in, and then go up to Minnesota ready to take on those 2 1/2 months with gusto. Maybe, just maybe, I'll enjoy these low-key times unlike I normally do, before I'm thrown out of my comfort zone...again.

This post sounds as if I'm not thrilled to be going away for the summer, and experiencing new things. No, I'm super excited. I'm just aware that it won't be a walk in the park. That I'll be tested beyond what I can imagine. That I'll probably get home sick and miss everything that I love about this town that I hate. That I'll miss my Mom, and my cat. I may even miss my big brothers, too. And my crazy step-dad.  I'm also aware that I'll grow in unimaginable ways. That God will reveal Himself to me in so many ways if I allow Him to do what it is that He needs to do inside of me, and through me in Minnesota. Oh, camp. You couldn't come soon enough. Just let me enjoy the next month and a few days before you sweep me away to your state. Thank you.

today was a really interesting day. i had plans to go out to lunch with my grandma for our weekly date together. yes, i go on dates with my grandma, and they are the best dates ever. well, this is where the interesting part comes in.

there's a little produce stand that has been down the street from my grandma's house for as long as i can remember. my dad used to own his own produce market when my brothers and i were younger. there was a lady who worked for him for a long time. every other weekend when my brother and i would go to my dad's we would always spend time at the market. i would help out with bagging groceries or ringing up customers, or just hang out. normally with this lady. so we got to know each other really well. i always danced around the market, because I was a ballerina, and i would always show this lady the new things i was learning. or we would just talk. i would vent my frustrations to her, and she ultimately protected me from the scary things. if any of you know my story, you know that my relationship with my dad has been rocky all of my life. she knew how ugly things could get with my dad, and would always protect me.

my dad shut down his produce market when i was about 11. 9 years ago. when he shut down his market i never saw this lady after that. well, about a year ago my dad told me that this lady was working at the produce stand right down the road from where he lives (he lives with my grandma). he said that whenever he goes in there she is always asking about me. she had seen one of my brothers quite a few times because he helped my dad with work a lot. i knew that i really wanted to see her, because she was a big part of my life when i was younger. a couple of weeks ago when i was down visiting my grandma my dad told me the hours that she was normally at the produce stand. this morning when i woke up i wanted to make a point of stopping by there to say hi on my way to pick my grandma up. by the time i got there, there wasn't enough time, so i just went and picked up my grandma. i was pretty upset, though. i figured i had blown my chance. that it was too late to see this lady after 9 years.

when i was on my way home i looked over at the stand and saw her standing there, so i had to stop. the moment i pulled in i could feel the blood pumping through my veins. i don't even know how i was walking up there. i walked in and i was looking at her and she didn't even look like i had remembered. so i started thinking "this isn't her. i may as well just turn around. i'm wasting my time." but she looked at me and i said "are you lena?" and she said "yes." i said, "do i look familiar to you?" and she said "are you...?" and said something else's name. i said "no...i'm kaitlyn" do you remember me. the look on her face. she said "oh my goodness. i can't believe it's you!" i'm not really sure what i was feeling at that moment, but whatever it was it was almost magical. this was the first time i had ever intentionally gone out of my way to see someone that i hadn't seen in a very long time. seeing this lady who i had spent countless hours with over dreadful weekends with my dad. a lady who sat there through my detailed stories at the age of eight, and protected me during some of the scariest moment of my life. it was beautiful. she said that she could still see me in her head dancing around the market and doing ballet. we stood in the middle of this little fruit stand and shared what had been going on in our lives for the past 9 years. it was crazy. the first thing i said to her once she knew it was me was "i just turned twenty last friday." almost 10 years later. amazing how time flies.

as i was leaving we both gave each other huge hugs and as i was walking to my car she yelled "i love you." i didn't know how to react at first, because i'm weird about things like that. the only people i really say those three words to are my family. i don't throw those around like a baseball. it didn't bother me, it just took me by surprise. then i turned around and we both looked and each other and then we both kind of simultaneously went back to hug each other once more. as i was pulling out to head home, she was standing there waving at me. since that visit, my heart has felt so full.

when my mom came home i was bursting at the seams to tell her about what had happened. by the end of it i was in tears. i can't tell you why. being able to see lena for the first time in almost 10 years was incredible. she was like my mom when my mom wasn't around. when i was younger going to my dad's house seemed like a death sentence for me. i would cling onto my mom's legs begging her to not make me go to my dad's. but when i was at the market having lena there just made things okay. i don't think i've ever met someone that has ever taken me under their wing like that in my life. being able to see her today has made me realize how much of an impact she had on my life, and i didn't even know it. who knows where i would be had i not had her 10 years ago.

my heart is so full. so full.
...and God is good.

friday was my birthday, and i turned 20 years old. i'm still not so sure how i feel about it. if it means that i got to eat that beautiful cake made special by my mom, then i'm all for it. i actually had a pretty good birthday. i spent it at home, but it was good. my step-sister, sarah, came to my house a few days earlier then her brother for my birthday. we got to go to the beach and just spend some good, quality time together. having her come early and getting to go shopping and just have girl time was the best. it made my birthday! on friday my three step-brothers came for the weekend and my brother clayton brought home his girlfriend for us to meet for the first time. there were 10 people in my house all weekend long. it was crazy, but it was a lot of fun, too. we played a hilarious 9 person game of apples to apples on friday night.

on saturday my brothers, chelsea (clayton's girlfriend) and i went to my dad's house to celebrate my birthday. it's always fun to carry over the birthday cheer for a couple days after the birthday is done and gone. which brings me to today. everyone keeps asking me if i feel any different, and all i can say is "not yet". i never do. the change doesn't just happen over night, and i'm grateful for that. honestly, i'd be a little weirded out if i suddenly changed over night without warning. it's something that will happen over my 20th year of life. i'm excited, though. a lot of big things are coming my way, and i'm excited to see where God takes me and how He uses me. it will be good. i know it.

since yesterday i've been dog sitting for a sweet lady from my church. this is my first time ever doing something like this. babysitting is way more fun. i mean, these dogs just aren't much for conversation. ;-) so i've been lounging around on the couch, wasting my time on the computer, or reading, or watching t.v. if i ever wanted to call myself a couch potato, now would be the appropriate time to do so. my big adventure for today was taking a trip to my house for things that i forgot. like my pillow. oh, sweet pillow. yesterday was a big enough adventure in and of itself. one innocent trip to the bank and the grocery store can turn into a bigger fiasco then i ever intended. from dropping my food in the middle of the aisles, to not being able to find the bank, then getting lost in the process down silly side streets. i looked frazzled by the end of that trip. i think my nerves were finally calmed by the time i crawled into bed last night. only to toss and turn all night.

the people who i am dog sitting for are selling their house, so there have also been multiple house showings. all of which have either come extremely late, or extremely early, and plenty who have stayed way past their prime. oh, and the best one of all: the one i had no idea about today. seriously. not even cool. they came a-knockin' within seconds after one left. no exaggeration there. it was ridiculous. they are super awkward, too. i sit on the couch, attempting to read while these people walk around the house, asking me questions that i don't even know the answers to. didn't i just tell them that i was dog sitting for the owner when they knocked on the door? oh well. i suppose i can deal with the minor inconveniences until monday. only to do it over again during my spring break. yeah, i just said that.

hate to say it, but i've had my head buried in a box of tissues for the past few days. i've confined myself to my bed, with a book and my computer since saturday. sincerely hoping that this bug leaves soon, because i'm supposed to go on the annual church camping trip this thursday through sunday. i'll be sucking the orange juice down, gobbling up the yogurt, and taking the tylenol cold like it's going out of style.