nothing is wasted.

Lately I'm feeling as though I have a lot in my life to sort out.

I'm very aware of the fact that God is trying to reveal some very important things to me in my life. I'm not sure of what it is yet, but I'm aware. I wake up every morning and I feel out of place. Something is not right. Things aren't clicking like they should. It's frustrating, annoying, exhausting. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel happy, and I hate that with a burning passion. I'm so frustrated with whatever...this...is that I could nearly cuss. Seriously.

I think it's safe to say that the past three and a half months have been the most challenging months of my life. They have been months of enduring some of the most difficult things I've ever experienced in my life. I feel like I'm putting everything into every day and not getting much of anything back. It leaves me with the question's "What is the point?" "Why am I doing this when it's not paying off?" "Should I throw in the towel and just give up now?" Yes, I'm talking about more than half of my courses this semester. I leave class more than half the time overwhelmed because I have to cram more...stuff into my brain. I have to memorize this method, and that term. I have to be able to calculate this and measure that. Oh...and I have to remember the order of how to enter this journal entry. And what the heck is cultural relativism, anyway? Is there even a limit on how much information a person's brain can hold? If there is, my brain has far exceeded the limit.

And then there are those things in my life that happened, those words that were said so many years ago, that I realize over and over again are still so deeply rooted within me. The words that hold me back. Failure. Not worth it.

But then I look back just a couple of years ago, remembering the days when I was able to crush those lies, and move forward. Form a new identity. I was triumphant, and I proved all of the people who said, "I couldn't do it" totally and completely wrong.

Then I experience one of the most difficult things in my life that makes me question who I am, down to every fiber of my being, and I go back to believing that garbage again. The impact of two individuals words...

Why do they have to have such power?
 

So maybe I've been back at square one for the past three and a half months, but maybe this is the beginning of getting to square two, three, maybe even home plate.

Oh Lord, may it be true. May none of this be wasted. This is my prayer.

Let's just be real here for a second. Is that cool? Today started out as a day that began with the sad and was supposed to end with the happy. You see...I took my best friend to the airport this morning so she could fly to Haiti to live. I don't know when the next time is that I will see her, because she's a missionary. The whole way home from the airport, I realized I couldn't be too sad because I would be picking my brother up from the airport tonight.

Well, I got a devastating phone call this morning and it was my brother, telling me he missed his flight. That his train was two and a half hours late because of snow in Paris. He arrived at his gate just as they finished boarding the plane, and his seat was taken up by someone who was on stand-by. All these flights are sold-out since everyone is flying for the holidays. It really stinks. For real.

He's stuck in Paris until Tuesday. Hopefully Tuesday will run smoothly, and we'll get to enjoy Clayton's company just in time for Christmas. Things are already looking up, though. After two days straight of rain, rain and more rain, the sunshine came out. Maybe, just maybe this all happened for a reason. With all the rain we've had the past few days, it's heading north to where Clayton is flying in. Maybe by Tuesday the snow will all be cleared and it will be smooth sailing. Here's hoping and praying!