joy in simplicity.

yesterday evening i took my TABE test again. it was supposed to be the last test that i took before i moved to the GED prep-class. i wasn't too sure about how i did when it was finished. i felt like it could have gone all wrong or just fine. well, i got my scores today, and i stayed almost exactly the same. i only went up one point. really? i mean, really? you have got to be kidding me! i nearly cried when i found out, because i was so frustrated. after feeling like the past two weeks was already a waste of my time, and realizing that it was pretty much for nothing, i was pretty close to giving up. laying my pencil down, and saying i had better things to do with my time. instead i walked back to the classroom, let the teachers know how i did, and buried my head in my book once again.

in the end, i still got moved to the GED prep-class. now i have to work on reading, language, and math. i'm hoping that i can cram four more grade levels worth of math in my head, and by some small miracle pass the GED by the seat of my pants. if i score high enough on reading and language, then it may be able to make up for my math score. that's a couple months off, though.

after brooding for the past two or three hours about this nonsense, i realize that i shouldn't let this bother me as much as it is. i've come a long way in the past few months. after starting with a 5.4 in math, and bring it all the way up to an 8.3, that's really awesome. apparently it takes a really long time for most people to get their scores up that high, but i did it in three months. i can only be happy. this experience has made me realize that i am capable of much more than i realized. it has taught me to not be so fearful, and has given me confidence that i have so desperately needed. when i walked into the class for the first time three months ago, i thought this was the worst possible thing i could be doing for myself. it has turned out to be the opposite, and i'm finding that it is another thing that God needed to bring me through. another step. i'm grateful for it these days, even when i feel defeated. those times are there for a reason, too. to keep me humble. to make me realize that i can't do this on my own strength. that i even have to rely on God to get me through something silly like math.

there are many days when i still find myself hating math. wondering why i did this in the first place. why i'm putting myself through something i hate so much. then, i realize i'm working toward a goal. times like this make me look back on how far i've come, and how far i still have left to go. some days i even find myself smiling. over my accomplishments, proving to myself that i am capable. some days, i find myself enjoying math...